Hi! My first entry for March and I'm afraid it's going to be dramatic and whiny. Sorry but it needs to be said and it needs to be flushed out of my system. I've said that I needed to start anew (for the nth time, I know) and I need a clean slate. Yes, I know I always always end up starting anew and sometimes I feel that I haven't been learning anything. But other times, I pat myself on the back and say, "hey, that was really grown up" or "wow, you're getting better at this" By "this", of course, is the art of letting go.
Anyway, if I'm going to move on, then I guess I'm going to have to say goodbye to certain activities and friends which haven't proven to be good for me. You won't know who you are.
I've always formed attachments quickly. Be nice to me and share a semblance of a common interest and I consider you my friend. But commitments, in a romantic sense, are a real problem for me. It's always been either not my type, guy's moving to fast, or I'm just plain scared. Unfortunately, when circumstances unite that I'm interested, and even willing to NOT be scared and try with the guy, the guy isn't interested. It would be funny if it weren't such a tragedy. bleargh. Which is why when relationships do work, I get so happy and lose myself.
Sometimes, I hold on to the relationship just for the sake of having one. Sorry, but it happens. But this time, WITH YOU, I'm not holding on, for the sake of having. I genuinely feel that it would work between us. I feel comfortable with you and I love you. You have always been my confidante. I've always been able to make you laugh! Unfortunately, you've stopped loving me, I think a couple of years ago. Ok, so it was my fault and I messed up. But I've been trying to make up for it. But you don't want to work it out anymore. I know you said you forgive me, but it has never been the same since. And you've found someone else. Your choice, by the way, hurts in a hundred different ways. Small cuts big cuts, but you're smart enough not to totally devastate me, you're just drawing out the torture and you know I won't do anything about it.
It's sometimes funny, that I'm really smart about a lot of things, but relationships stump me. So, I'm a complete dork at it but I try to console myself that I've never deliberately hurt anyone. I've always tried to be fair. But, I can only give so many second chances. My patience isn't infinite and my capacity for being hurt isn't all that high either. Unfortunately, letting you go will probably hurt me more than it will hurt you. That sucks, but it just goes to show how uneven our relationships have been.
The past couple of weeks have been dedicated to you. It's my way of saying goodbye without actually saying goodbye. You and me started as a joke, but believe me, it has been REAL for me. So, because I'm such a coward I'd rather just fade away from your life instead of saying goodbye to you in person, I'll say it here:
Bye.
No comments:
Post a Comment