maybe a song

Does anybody see me crying
as I walk down this street
even when the rain is pouring
and strangers walk by

Do they hear me screaming
deep inside my heart

Do you see me crying
as I walk down the street
even when the rain is pouring
and our eyes meet

Do you feel like helping
we've never met

I push my hands into my pocket
look down at my feet
I try to hide my shaking

You come a little closer
holding out your scarf
You can see me shaking

I take your scarf
You smile a little

And our eyes meet
but we've never met

"What"

What is a bad word
does not tell you why or how
nor who when or where

An English language assignment

Alliterations and (made-up) collective nouns. Please help!

A  - anthems of apathy

B  - bastions of bastardy, babble of bitches

C  -coils of confusion

D  - dregs of drudgery

E  - excess of emotion

F  - flights of fancy

G  - gaggle of geese

H  - hints of happiness

I  -

J  - jumps of joy

K  -

L  - lots of love

M  - minutiae of mundanity, mediocrity of the mundane

N  -

O  -

P  -

Q  -

R  -

S  -sacks of sorrow

T  - tales of torture, tales of torment

U  -

V  -

W  -

X  -

Y  -

Z  -

How do I not love thee

how do I not love thee?
let's not bother counting the ways
my mind can't think of sense or rhyme
to show the depth and breadth and height
of how I don't love thee

But if truth be told and heart unlocked
I love thee
I love thee
I love thee

_________________________________________
*Inspired by

XLIII. "How do I love thee? Let me count the ways..." by Elizabeth Barrett Browning (1806-1861)

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love thee to the depth and breadth and height My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight For the ends of Being and ideal Grace. I love thee to the level of everyday's Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light. I love thee freely, as men strive for Right; I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise. I love thee with a passion put to use In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith. I love thee with a love I seemed to lose With my lost saints, --- I love thee with the breath, Smiles, tears, of all my life! --- and, if God choose, I shall but love thee better after death.

Who am I?

No, really. Who am I?

I've tried answering this but no easy answer comes. I am all the things that I have experienced. All the people I have loved and who have loved me. All the densely packed cells, molecules and atoms, and all the infinite space within.

Who I am changes with every letter I type in this post, every second that passes, every cell that dies, every electron that spins on its orbit.

Who I am now means that there was a me then, and a me in the future. And this me now who is no longer, but was the me of the future.

When the now is so encompassing that a blink can be eternity and every breath could be infinite, who I was and who I will be fade into insignificance compared to the peace of being now.

When the now is so fleeting that a blink can be death and every breath could be final, who I was and who I will be fuses to the me now who lives with the demands of being now.

In that moment when I of past, present, and future become one, every experience flashes by in confusion, all love and hurt are one, subatomic particles fall out of sync and crash into each other, the universe expands and contracts, a supernova. Until all I see is light.

And I am light.

The things I thought about when I learned I was dying

Do I tell? Who do I tell first?

Of course my family. But which of my friends? At work? Will they treat me differently? Do I want to be treated differently? Can I trust them not to treat me differently? Can I trust them to not show any pity? Maybe I shouldn't say anything? Just live my life as normally as possible? Maybe they'd want to spend more of their time with me since I have so little time left? Should I pull back?

Do I start doing all the things I wanted to do? Try the crazy things and get the adrenaline rush? Or do I enjoy the quiet times and realize that the best things are in the little moments?

Do I go to all the places I planned to visit? Travel the world while I'm still able? Or do I stay where I am and find that there is an entire universe in my neighborhood?

And what about ? Should I let him go? I could be so selfless and tell him he deserves someone so much better, someone who could give him forever? But wouldn't he see that as selfishness on my part? What if he wants to spend the rest of my life with me. Would it be right for me to make the choice for him? 

Or maybe I could be selfish and keep him by side as much as I can. Squeeze a lifetime together in the months I have left?

Oh my God, I have so little time and I have to make the best of it. But I don't know what is the best.

Just decide

Lying awake, staring at the ceiling and clutching your phone during the very early hours of the morning and after a late night is never a good sign. Ok, usually not a good sign.

Whatever it is that's bugging you, it's something that needs a decision from you.

Pursue it to the end, whether good or bad. Choose it because it might make you happy. Well, happier than you are now. Or, if it doesn't end well, at least, you know that you did something about it. That nothing more could have been done to save it. Grasp those last few moments when you convince yourself that that is what you want. If it ends well, then by God,  it ends well and you will be the happier for it.

Walk away. Just pick up and walk away. Decide that this is it and no amount of prayer and effort and hoping will change anything. That even if anything does change, it will be tainted and will in the long-run be something that disappoints you. How everything stands now isn't what you want. That it would be better to cut all ties now rather than go through the motions of planning for a future that will never be. A future that isn't looking as promising as it used to be.

Either way it's hard. The hope that everything will work out may paralyze you. If you do walk away, the regret may paralyze you. It will be harder to get out bed in the mornings. Inspiration will fail you. Food will be tasteless (oh, or food will be the only comfort).

Choosing to stay may bring disappointments and regret OR happiness. Real.

Walking away may bring regret. Mostly imaginary.

What you don't know won't hurt you. Bury your head under your pillow.

Choosing to stay means that another decision must be made later. So many other decisions.

Walking away leads to one or two. Move on and find another happiness or wallow in regret.

Just decide. End it now or give a few more months or years of your life for that glimpse of happiness beckoning despite all the confusion and darkness now.

Choose to go, escape if you have to. Run away. Choose not to go, not choosing anything means you're choosing not to go. Your choice.

Decide.

Grocery line girl - no this is not funny

Overheard at the grocery line:

"Sabi nya sa kin, baka hindi na maganda mag-nursing dahil andami ng nurse. Mag-accounting na lang daw ako. Eh bakit ako makikinig sa kanya eh wala nga syang kotse."
(He told me it may not be a good idea to take up nursing since there are already a lot of nurses. He said I should take up accounting. Why would I listen to him when he doesn't even have a car?)

This was said by a girl to a couple of her friends. I find a lot of things wrong with this statement I don't know where to start. I will muddle on though:

• I pity that poor guy who doesn't have a car. I wonder if he knows that this girl he was kind enough to give advice to (I don't know if this was solicited or not, but still, right?) has made a value judgment (what does this mean?) based on the fact that he does not have a car.
• Isn't it a tragedy that good advice is taken based on whether a person has a car? Okay maybe I'm jumping to a poor generalization based on the few statements (and tone) of grocery line girl, but let's face it, in today's world, worth (in the abstract sense) does seem to be measured in terms of visible wealth.
• For that matter, is owning a car a good measure of whether advice is sound or not?
• Is owning a car a measure of a person's success? I mean, sure, owning a car is a quantifiable and tangible evidence of economic success but it certainly isn't THE measure of success. Or am I missing something again?
• I mean I consider myself successful -- I have a career I enjoy. I earn. I have free time. I have spending money. Granted I don't have a car of my own (when I do drive, I drive my parents' car okay), I don't have a house. But I feel pretty successful. Unfortunately, by grocery line girl's standard, I'm probably not someone you should take advice from.
• Consider this, a guy who drives a car bought by his parents, barely graduated from college, if at all and has no job -- what would he be? Good enough for advice, grocery line girl?

Maybe, I'm taking this out of context but it's kinda hard.

Anyway, I've always wanted to use this line though I've forgotten where I got it from:

"It's a tragic commentary on our times."

Grocery line girl, I wish you the best of luck.

What does it mean when you dream about someone?

It's weird because I've dreamt about B5 for the past three nights. Not just once in a night, sometimes 3 or 4 different dream "settings". Some of them are reminiscent of real places we've been too. But mostly it's just the the two of us and I feel effing happy!

This could just be my subconscious regurgitating my memories to make room for more? Hey, maybe I'm completely and totally over him? Or, God forbid, this isn't a sign that  we'll get back together, is it? Because that would be a mess.

Admittedly, it's taken me a couple of years to actually get a semblance of balance back in my life after him. It didn't help that it wasn't a clean break. Our social lives and common friends didn't allow it.

Come to think of it, I don't even remember what we broke up for...I think it was because I thought it was what he wanted...

Maybe it also didn't help that I never found someone after him. And he continued to be single too.

Anyway, so I've been dreaming about him and I have better things I should be doing but instead I'm doing this. There are lots of sites on the internet about dream interpretation, I'm just gonna take my pick of what this one means. Nyahahaha!

Earth Hour

Is it just me who finds it ironic that for earth hour, some participants lighted candles? Hello, that produces carbon dioxide!

"Your blog's so depressing."

"Are you depressed?"

"No, I'm not depressed."

"Your blog's so depressing."

"Well, I'm not depressed. (Defensive much?) It's just easy for me to write depressing and sad stuff. I don't know why. Writing upbeat and lovely stories takes more effort."

"You sure you're not depressed?"

"How many times do I have to say that I'm not depressed? Well, not clinically diagnosed anyway."

"You know how they say write what about what you know? So maybe your writing's so depressing because you're depressed."

"Sweetie, I know sad. I know happy. I know contentment. Drama just comes naturally. Besides, while I'm sure a lot of people will be interested to read about tax (humblebragging), I don't think I could keep that up. Then I wouldn't have any outlet. THEN I'll be depressed."

snicker. snicker. (thanks G for this useful expression)

Random Thoughts on R

Dear R,

I just found out that you and your girlfriend are no longer together. I don't know the why and how though I have a general idea of the when. I'm sad for you, well, sort of. In the same way that, I guess, I wasn't really sad that you and she got together in the first place.

You were like the Ryan Gosling of my law school days. Someone I really liked but never did anything about. The guilty pleasure. The secret love though I knew it would never come to anything.

You were this really cute Chinese guy, sensitive, smart and macho. Ok, maybe the macho part is stretching things a bit. A lot. Hahaha! Lanky body. Dry sense of humor (though terrible taste in games when it comes to party games). You get really red when you drink. Your nose gets really red when you have a cold. I love your gold-rimmed glasses.

I like the fact that you are so passionate about your beliefs and your convictions. I could probably listen to you (and read) when you are discoursing on politics and economy and current events. I'd probably just take the side against yours just to get you riled up. But I admire you for your convictions.

I remember wanting to sit beside you in class, but since I was an junior joining your sophomore class, you already had your seating arrangement down pat. It was probably better that I didn't sit beside you, I didn't want to take that class for a third time. Hahaha!

You were always nice to me. Though I was never popular, always on the fringes, you saw me and acknowledged me. And talked to me when we both weren't in a hurry as was usual in law school. Aside from those classes together and random conversations, we never really had any interaction. And after law school, I lost track of you. Nevermind facebook.

Though you did bring me my dinner once when I was taking the bar. Hahaha! And I did see you once in Makati, you were heading toward the gym at that time and you smiled at me and asked me how I was and where I worked.

Well, anyway, I hope you're fine, though the word doesn't even begin to encompass all the blessings I wish for you.


I wish I could be your friend,
D

comfortable like a virtual arm around me

how our conversations that may be weeks apart feel like we're just picking up after a short pause

as comfortable a silence as when we both smile and take a sip of our coffee

like the infinite possibilities that make your skin tingle in those endless hours between midnight and dawn

compressed in those final moments when you begin to see the first purple touches in the sky

What scares me?

it scares me that we are okay together. no extreme highs and lows. just a stable pace. not monotonous. feels like we can go on for days and days and reach forever. that kind of ok.

it scares me that i get nervous around you sometimes and my brain fogs up and i don't see or hear or think.

it scares me that when i look at you i can see us together, with kids, damn it!, being the perfect middle class suburban family.
it scares me that i get this feeling that i can totally lose myself in you. and it scares me that i'm not sure if i can come out the other side, still me or better or lost. and despite this uncertainty, it scares me that i'm willing to try anyway.

it scares me how i keep pushing you away because i'm scared, and it scares me how you keep coming back.
it scares me how comfortable we are with each other. it scares me how after several days apart, we can pick up our conversation as if only moments have passed.

it scares me how you're always there for me, even on my worst days. with your caring, your understanding, your humor.

it scares me that you understand me so well and know when to call me out and when to indulge me. 

it scares me that you might know me better than i do myself. and it scares me that knowing all these, you still want to be with me.

it scares me how warm you feel to me when i touch you. like you're the only real person around me. it scares me that i feel so safe when i'm with you.

it scares me how much i want to be within the cradle of your arms at night. it scares me that when you kiss me i never want you to stop.

it scares me that it's probably going to be easy between us. it scares me that we might be perfect for each other.

it scares me that i might wrong about everything about us. it scares me that there is an "us".

and it scares me because i think i love you. and it scares me more because i think you love me back.

just thinking

In J.R.R. Tolkien's Return of the King, there is a scene where Eowyn kills the witch-king. I don't have the book with me now, but, in the movie, the scene goes like this:

Witch King: You fool. No man can kill me. Die now.
Eowyn: I am no man.

Eowyn is no man because she's a woman. (Duh.)

John Donne writes: "No man is an island".

I therefore conclude that "Woman is an island."

Bow.

Headache in the morning

Air Supply said:  

Making love out of nothing at all

Well, I learned in science class that all things are made of something. And nothing exists in a vacuum.

Therefore, making love out of nothing at all should be impossible.  This is further supported by:

The Sound of Music:  

nothing comes from  nothing, nothing ever could.

On the other hand, the Sound of Music also provides a theory for this:

So, somewhere in my youth or childhood, I must have done something good.

Aha! Karma! That one I can understand.

Osama Bin Laden is dead

and America rejoices. Read article here.

I'm not Muslim. I'm not American. I'm completely apathetic when it comes to politics. I vote based on platform and programs, and sometimes, because the candidate is endorsed by someone I know.

However, I feel that it is completely inappropriate to show the type of revelry that has arisen because of the death of one man.  Sure, this man caused the death of thousands of people, injured countless other, and doubtless, affected innumerable families.  But does his death really call for this kind of celebration?

Let us remember that Osama was a human being, too. A person with family and friends. Let us not forget that he has supporters.  There are those who believe in his cause.  There are those who have died and who will die for his cause.  There are others who will carry on what he has begun.

Don't get me wrong.  I mourned when I found out about the 9/11 attacks. That was a tragedy. Today's death is just vengeance. And violence begets more violence.

I don't want to be an alarmist (but I usually am), but a good commander always has failsafes. A war is not won nor fought by one man.  There is no doubt that while Osama's death may be a blow to the jihad, it is far from over.

Was justice done? Maybe it's enough for the families of those who died in 9/11. But I don't know if any justice was achieved today.

hopeful self-doubt

I think I'm a bad person.

I'm probably a villain in somebody's life story.  Maybe my brother's, a friend's, even my best friend's.

Ohmygod! What if I'm the villain in MY story?!

Oh, well, I'll just think of Megamind.  He had a happy ending, didn't he?

Before I forget

I just went through an entire conversation with you without any snide remarks.  'Course the fact that it went like this probably helped:

Ano nangyari?

Wala naman. Nagkita kami ni toot-toot.

Ah...Eh di ayos. So anong gagawin mo?

Wala naman. Parang pag-iisipan ko muna.

Hay naku! Good luck to us!

realization

with great power comes great responsibility*

 IF

knowledge is power**

THEN

with great knowledge comes great responsibility

Anyway, since I very rarely claim to have any great knowledge, this really doesn't bother me. :)) except when I'm feeling the weight of responsibility!

*Uncle Ben in Spiderman, but words to that effect are also attributed to FDR, and the Bible (to whom much is given, much will be expected)

** Sir Francis Bacon