maybe a song

Does anybody see me crying
as I walk down this street
even when the rain is pouring
and strangers walk by

Do they hear me screaming
deep inside my heart

Do you see me crying
as I walk down the street
even when the rain is pouring
and our eyes meet

Do you feel like helping
we've never met

I push my hands into my pocket
look down at my feet
I try to hide my shaking

You come a little closer
holding out your scarf
You can see me shaking

I take your scarf
You smile a little

And our eyes meet
but we've never met

dreaming in picasso

sometimes you run to see who would come after you

sometimes you wake up and you're already running
look ahead, far ahead, do you see a goal?

no?
look behind you, is someone there?
is he running after you or chasing you away?

if no one is behind you, why are you running?
can you see where you are?
do you know who you are?

will you know when to stop?
can you stop?

sometimes when I'm running I stop right in the middle and look around
and marvel at how far I've come but with no idea of where I am
or where I'm going
sometimes I forget why I'm running
there's a faint tingle in my memory
a slight brush of fate, sometimes a face, mostly your eyes

I see myself but not myself
yes, myself but so different, enough to not be me but still me
who knew a person could change so much?
who knew that you would change me this much?

but then the strangeness of it all chills me
I look at the empty eyes of the me who isn't me
and she is looking at me, in me, because she is me
and she is alone and it is my fault
because you are gone and it is my doing
and she blames me as I deserve

and  I remember why I am running
not away but to you
but you are no longer there
I speed up, pumping my legs, my lungs aching
I catch sight of you, a distant speck in the never-ending horizon
I am renewed with hope, and though I think it impossible
I gain more speed, closing the distance
Until my eyes adjust, and see you clearer
you are not alone

The wind leaves my lungs
I fall to my knees.

I am alone.

Down again

Recent events have had me thinking about God again. Most everyone who knows me know that I don't regularly go to church. I was born and baptized, I have received most of the sacraments because of my Catholic school upbringing, but I have never imbibed the church-going habit. Don't get me wrong, I pray a lot. I just don't go to church.

The tragedies that are occurring daily, whether of nature or man-made, have me feeling hopeless again. I've always been fairly unstable, with extreme ups and downs (though, I've never been diagnosed as needing chemical therapy), let me just say, that I have been having a lot of trouble maintaining the "up" lately.

Well, anyway, I've been wrestling with the existence of God. Again. Some people will disagree with me. Sometimes my thoughts go in a circle. Sometimes they go in a straight line with a very logical conclusion. But here's the gist of what troubles me.

1. God doesn't exist and this is all there is.

2. God exists, why does he let these things happen?

3. God exists, and he's causing everything to happen, because a very smart person said "God doesn't play dice with the universe".

This also applies to what I sometimes think about when I think about Jesus, Judas, Herod and Pilate.

4. God wanted us to be saved.

5. He decided that Jesus would die on the cross for us.

6. In order to do that, Jesus should be caught and sentenced to be crucified.

7. So why are Judas and Herod and Pilate vilified for their roles in our saving?

8. People say that free will had a role in this. Really? Even in light of God's plan?

9. If we are saved, what is the meaning of all this?

Anyway, what does it matter right?

it would be so easy to give up

a secret

sometimes a slight whisper
easily tamped down
sometimes a scream
rising towards the universe

yet no sound is heard
no motion is seen
i hide behind my smile
while inside a prisoner
my secret self