How many "This is the last time.."-s do you you need before you stop fooling yourself and actually move on?

mukha kang gandang-ganda sa sarili mo

So, I think I have just received the worst "compliment" of my life and it has been making me feel like crap the past few days.

It's also made me realize that I still have a long way to go with my zen, even though I've applied understanding and compartmentalization.

But anyway, it's a new week so I'm just putting it out there. Hopefully, the wind would do a better  job of blowing it away from my mind, or the universe would just swallow it up, or something.

Clarity and serenity to you.

what to do when someone, whose opinion you have always valued, doesn't even make the effort to clear a few minutes to listen to you?

December, you break my heart.

It's official!

A long and difficult road ahead of me.

I believe I can do this.

I will deal with this.

Just decide

Lying awake, staring at the ceiling and clutching your phone during the very early hours of the morning and after a late night is never a good sign. Ok, usually not a good sign.

Whatever it is that's bugging you, it's something that needs a decision from you.

Pursue it to the end, whether good or bad. Choose it because it might make you happy. Well, happier than you are now. Or, if it doesn't end well, at least, you know that you did something about it. That nothing more could have been done to save it. Grasp those last few moments when you convince yourself that that is what you want. If it ends well, then by God,  it ends well and you will be the happier for it.

Walk away. Just pick up and walk away. Decide that this is it and no amount of prayer and effort and hoping will change anything. That even if anything does change, it will be tainted and will in the long-run be something that disappoints you. How everything stands now isn't what you want. That it would be better to cut all ties now rather than go through the motions of planning for a future that will never be. A future that isn't looking as promising as it used to be.

Either way it's hard. The hope that everything will work out may paralyze you. If you do walk away, the regret may paralyze you. It will be harder to get out bed in the mornings. Inspiration will fail you. Food will be tasteless (oh, or food will be the only comfort).

Choosing to stay may bring disappointments and regret OR happiness. Real.

Walking away may bring regret. Mostly imaginary.

What you don't know won't hurt you. Bury your head under your pillow.

Choosing to stay means that another decision must be made later. So many other decisions.

Walking away leads to one or two. Move on and find another happiness or wallow in regret.

Just decide. End it now or give a few more months or years of your life for that glimpse of happiness beckoning despite all the confusion and darkness now.

Choose to go, escape if you have to. Run away. Choose not to go, not choosing anything means you're choosing not to go. Your choice.

Decide.

Dear Diary,

I think I've been stupid long enough, 'no? There's no need for a prolonged goodbye. I should Just Stop.

And it's only Monday!

Once again, you have brought me to the point where I'm asking myself,

"Why are we friends?"

And, it's only Monday.

Make your own drama - 8

It's impossible to consciously forget someone.

Exercise Lite - Weekend 2

So I skipped (skipped, not missed) yesterday's workout. I was feeling lazy and sick.

Today I got a full-blown runny nose with face-contorting sneezes. :) So I didn't do any planned workout today, either.

But I think all the cleaning I did counts. We're having guests over tomorrow for my mom's extended birthday celebration. And some of the guests have been out of the country for a long time and will probably want a tour of the house. Hence, the cleaning and rearranging. Geez.

Plus, it's so hot today!!!

Family meddling

An aunt and uncle from Hawaii called this afternoon. After the niceties, uncle asked me if I have a boyfriend. Of course I replied that I didn't because you know I don't have one now.

He said:

 "It's about time you started thinking about it. You're not getting any younger."

LOL!

I just said I didn't have any prospects where I am right now. I really don't. *sigh*

If we go on as we are now

I'd get used to not talking to you.

Pretty soon, I'd learn that I can live my life without you.

I will go on to live my life without you.

Maybe someday I will also realize that none of these mattered to you.

And then maybe we could go back to normal.

The way we were before I wanted more.

How to turn your life around

I really have no idea.

I should, no?

This is the last time you will hurt me. It was a long time coming but hey, sometimes I hold on for all the wrong reasons.

I need something to make this quick and painless. I hope I can just remove you from my life with the precision of a surgical strike (I'm mixing up my metaphors or something).

Lines drawn. Give me the strength to never cross it.

Make your own drama - 4

My heart's set on you. "You are the love of my life."

My mind shies away from you. "Please, just move on and forget about him."

Unfortunately, love can't be reasoned with.

It's a wet and dreary Monday.

Remind me why I'm not curled up in bed, reading a book, and enjoying a huge mug of hot cocoa.

Make your own drama - 2

I hate it when I start second-guessing myself. It takes so long to get my equilibrium back.

you again

Sometimes I get so excited expecting something. so sure that something's there. then the day comes and pfft...nada nothing zip zilch.

Managing expectations sounds like a good plan.

I wonder if managing expectations equals having no expectations when it comes to you?

Not this time

I'm tired of making excuses for you. All those times you didn't respond, I figured, hey, you must be busy. Nevermind that people usually check their messages at the end of the day, right? Or, the next day? But c'mon, sunday afternoon on a long weekend? Nobody's that busy! Did you do a no-technology thing? Ok, that might explain this weekend, but I highly doubt it. You sleep with your phone. And what about all those other times?

So, anyway, you had the gall to make me feel guilty with tears and sobs and all that. What about this time? What about you?

Just remember, I wasn't the one who let go.

dreaded friend zone

So I have this friend I friend-zoned years ago. The thing is I want to try to get him out of there. How will I do that?

Another thing, he's never tried to get out of the friend zone. I mean I don't think he has made any attempt to be more than friends with me.

Would it be smart to do something about it? What if he doesn't want to get out of friend zone?

What scares me?

it scares me that we are okay together. no extreme highs and lows. just a stable pace. not monotonous. feels like we can go on for days and days and reach forever. that kind of ok.

it scares me that i get nervous around you sometimes and my brain fogs up and i don't see or hear or think.

it scares me that when i look at you i can see us together, with kids, damn it!, being the perfect middle class suburban family.
it scares me that i get this feeling that i can totally lose myself in you. and it scares me that i'm not sure if i can come out the other side, still me or better or lost. and despite this uncertainty, it scares me that i'm willing to try anyway.

it scares me how i keep pushing you away because i'm scared, and it scares me how you keep coming back.
it scares me how comfortable we are with each other. it scares me how after several days apart, we can pick up our conversation as if only moments have passed.

it scares me how you're always there for me, even on my worst days. with your caring, your understanding, your humor.

it scares me that you understand me so well and know when to call me out and when to indulge me. 

it scares me that you might know me better than i do myself. and it scares me that knowing all these, you still want to be with me.

it scares me how warm you feel to me when i touch you. like you're the only real person around me. it scares me that i feel so safe when i'm with you.

it scares me how much i want to be within the cradle of your arms at night. it scares me that when you kiss me i never want you to stop.

it scares me that it's probably going to be easy between us. it scares me that we might be perfect for each other.

it scares me that i might wrong about everything about us. it scares me that there is an "us".

and it scares me because i think i love you. and it scares me more because i think you love me back.