nearly over friendship

suffered through another conversation...which thanks to E's advice I cut short with a terse "let's change topic! I have nothing to do with this one."

I'm beginning to dread "I miss you" because it always means "I need something from you."

When acceptance is all you have left

you end up having everything you never thought you wanted.

Repeat.







No, it's not working!

a secret

sometimes a slight whisper
easily tamped down
sometimes a scream
rising towards the universe

yet no sound is heard
no motion is seen
i hide behind my smile
while inside a prisoner
my secret self

BF Pillow

According to L, who needs a significant other, with this pillow?

http://pinterest.com/pin/37749859/

Thanks L for pointing me in the right direction. It does look like bliss. I wonder if it comes in body temperature, for perfect spooning moments. Hehe.

"Stay within the circle!" I shouted.

"What circle?" He asked.

Why wait?

 Ok, I'm very tired from my Sunday chores. Top it with:

1) my very handsome crush changed his profile pic -- he's really handsome whatever angle you look at. :)

2) just got news that, well, let's just say that there have been certain developments that don't really benefit me. Waaah!

Anyway, so back to my crush, I was thinking about the missed opportunities I had with him. How things have changed. How I could have done things differently. How how how! HOW?

So, this entry from a blog "Everyday Isa" really comes at a good time. A good read.

From: Everyday Isa

My good friend, Den, suggested that  I blog and write down all the reasons why I think guys  should date me. It’s a promising topic (because I really believe that I’m date-able!) but right now, something that I think bears more weight is: The Kind of Person I Want YOU to Date.

I don’t know who you are but I want great things for you. I want you to have romance and committed love and something real. Something that lasts. That’s really hard to come by these days but I want that for you and I want that for me, too. Here are some of the things I wish I could tell my future children about love. To be honest, I don’t know if I’m ever going to get married and have kids but that’s okay. I’ll pass these things on to you instead. You, my friend, are worthy of great, authentic love.

Please never settle.

Love,
Isa

***

The person I want you to date exists and I want you to wait it out until you meet them. Because, in case you haven’t yet,  you will. Waiting is for the brave  – it means watching years pass, noticing yourself growing older and sitting through wedding after wedding after wedding. It means bottling that slow-rising fear. It means questioning your standards and running the risk of settling.

I wish someone had told me that the person I was meant to be with was a real actual living person, breathing in some part of the world and waiting, too. I did not believe in romantic destiny so I projected all my hopes into the wrong people and tried desperately to make these wrong people right. In the end, no one won and the aftermath was a combination of devastating grief, self-loathing and crippling regret. I do not want that for you.

Wait.

The person I want you to date might be making morning coffee right now or sleeping through a thunderstorm or getting a degree in Physics. Wait. I mean it. Every other person will be a cheap imitation of the real thing.

The person I want you to date believes in big things. This person has a passion and pursues it with a  hunger that could set the world on fire. This person believes in setting goals and making them happen. Trust me: you will never regret being with someone who is madly in love with their purpose in life. When you meet this person —  this unstoppable ball of good fury — I want you to have a vision of your own. A goal you can shape your life around. I want you to have a desire to change the world, whatever pocket of it you belong to. You can’t be stagnant when the person you’re with is active and dynamic. Life is a grand celebration of doing great things that matter and you (yes, you) play a huge part in all of it.

The person I want you to date has character. When you’re young, all you’re looking for is personality. Charm. Compatibility in music and book taste and food preferences. I think these are all well and good but character is what sustains a relationship when all of these things change. Personality is ever-evolving, character grows and amplifies in time. Character is when a person does beautiful things without seeking credit. It’s when someone doesn’t quit — even if every fiber of their being begs them to. It’s the ability of someone to graciously expend back-breaking heart-wrenching love to someone who has disappointed and failed them. Character is that beautiful thing that gets molded over time and experience. Be someone with character and never settle for someone without it.

The person I want you to date will be into you. Really, really into you. There will be no need for pointless mind games, no room for even the slightest bit of emotional confusion.  The person I want you to date will be crystal clear about their intentions towards you. They will not win you over with sweet nothings or romantic gestures. Their love will be bigger than the superficial trappings of courtship. The person I want you to date will take the time know you. They will see everything there is to love about you  and they will look at the core of all the bad stuff and not balk. They will not run at the first sign of ugliness. Instead, they will love you through it.

I want you to know that the person I want you to date will fail you. Give them the grace to be human. (You are one, too.) Don’t listen to those stupid quotes that tell you that the person who loves you will never make you cry. I want you to realistically approach this thing we call human relationships. Hurting one another is part of the messy dynamics of getting close to someone. But the person I want you to date is a person who knows how to resolve conflict especially when it blows up in both your faces. Their ego will never be too big to own up to their mistakes. 

And when it comes to their love for you, YOU WILL KNOW. Their love will be the most painfully obvious thing in the world that though  you will come to question many, many things in life, you will never — not even once — question them.

And you know what? They will believe in you so much that you will never feel compelled to question yourself. You will put all your insecurities to rest because the person I want you to date will, more than anything, make you feel that you matter. Always. And you know why? Because you do.

I’m sure it sounds like a long shot but what if you dared to believe that the person I want you to date is real? Love is greater than cynicism and this is what I believe — yes, me, the last single girl in the world: While some people think  this all sounds  too good to be true,  there is a God who is out to give us things that are much too good to be false.

Believe. Don’t settle. And in the meantime: become the person that the person you’re looking for is looking for.

Importance of labeling

We ordered whole chicken, but when the delivery arrived and I saw the label, something else comes to mind.

blocked

I don't think I'll finish "David and Steffi" in the near future.

The only thing I've written on Part IV: "I blew on my coffee as"

That's it.

Got another story playing around in  my mind.

Weirdo.

"Wow! You really know a lot of things!"

"Yes, I do. 'Coz google is my uncle."

I think I'm not as smart as I thought I was.

You know.

I'm like actually WAY smarter.

Wants not

Over breakfast:

Mom to me: You want anything from duty-free?

Me, shrugs: None. You know, it's strange but I don't want want anything right now.

Older brother to me: You mean you're not a bottomless pit of wants and desires?

Me: Nope. I don't think I have the keeping-up-with-the-joneses gene.

Younger brother: Yup. You have the kuripot* gene.

Toink.

___________________________
*Stingy or tight-fisted

June 1

I should probably do a mid-year assessment of my life as against my start-of-year-goals.

Or not na lang.