Who am I?

No, really. Who am I?

I've tried answering this but no easy answer comes. I am all the things that I have experienced. All the people I have loved and who have loved me. All the densely packed cells, molecules and atoms, and all the infinite space within.

Who I am changes with every letter I type in this post, every second that passes, every cell that dies, every electron that spins on its orbit.

Who I am now means that there was a me then, and a me in the future. And this me now who is no longer, but was the me of the future.

When the now is so encompassing that a blink can be eternity and every breath could be infinite, who I was and who I will be fade into insignificance compared to the peace of being now.

When the now is so fleeting that a blink can be death and every breath could be final, who I was and who I will be fuses to the me now who lives with the demands of being now.

In that moment when I of past, present, and future become one, every experience flashes by in confusion, all love and hurt are one, subatomic particles fall out of sync and crash into each other, the universe expands and contracts, a supernova. Until all I see is light.

And I am light.

that awkward moment

when you realize you're the one who can't move on

FML

DIY: Letting go (An outdoor activity)

Imagine one of those fluffy grass seeds that were so common those lazy summers of our childhood in Manila. Or maybe an individual dandelion puff.

Picture one in the center of your palm. Don't close your fist. Hold your palm flat or slightly curved. Cradle that seed.

Close your eyes. Remember all the things that you want to let go. Or focus on only one. A person. Of course, it's always a  person. Think of all the things about him that make you hold on to him. Let them flash in your mind one-by-one. Laugh if you feel like it. Cry if you need to. Make sure that you include every detail.

Now, try to push all these thoughts and memories into the seed cupped in your palm. You still have that seed don't you? If you've crushed it or forgotten about it, go back to the first paragraph.

Infuse that seed with everything that you want to let go. The weight of the years and the intensity of your feelings might make you think that the seed can't hold it all in, but it will. Trust me.

When you are sure that you have cleaned out your mind very well, and have not kept a secret stash of memories somewhere else, say your goodbyes. Say it because you need closure. Say all you need to say, all that you have kept inside for so long. The words need to go as well. The seed has more than enough room.

When all this is done, you are ready.

Hold your hand completely flat and blow on the seed. Watch it fly away, rising into the air.

Turn away before it descends. You don't need to know where it goes or where it lands.

You have let it go and it is no longer yours.

You have let him go and he is no longer yours

Feel the depth of emptiness. Don't worry about it. You will soon fill it up with other memories.

The things I thought about when I learned I was dying

Do I tell? Who do I tell first?

Of course my family. But which of my friends? At work? Will they treat me differently? Do I want to be treated differently? Can I trust them not to treat me differently? Can I trust them to not show any pity? Maybe I shouldn't say anything? Just live my life as normally as possible? Maybe they'd want to spend more of their time with me since I have so little time left? Should I pull back?

Do I start doing all the things I wanted to do? Try the crazy things and get the adrenaline rush? Or do I enjoy the quiet times and realize that the best things are in the little moments?

Do I go to all the places I planned to visit? Travel the world while I'm still able? Or do I stay where I am and find that there is an entire universe in my neighborhood?

And what about ? Should I let him go? I could be so selfless and tell him he deserves someone so much better, someone who could give him forever? But wouldn't he see that as selfishness on my part? What if he wants to spend the rest of my life with me. Would it be right for me to make the choice for him? 

Or maybe I could be selfish and keep him by side as much as I can. Squeeze a lifetime together in the months I have left?

Oh my God, I have so little time and I have to make the best of it. But I don't know what is the best.

on the mystery of life

I  hold life so cheaply that it causes me amazement that those who have so much less than me cling to life so tenaciously.

Have they found an elixir to make everything seem so golden? A poison to make you love and enjoy, even as life slowly kills you?

Or maybe that's the beauty of life that I seem to have missed.

Pico de Loro

My dad's group of friends (seriously, all senior citizen-retirees) decided to go to Pico de Loro. My Dad can't move around easily, so my Mom had to accompany him. And since my Mom can't manage my Dad, the luggage and what-not by herself, my brother and I got free, all-expenses paid "vacations" in exchange for assisting and being gofers and errand boy and girl for the parents.

In between all that, I managed some pictures. ;)

The entrance at the Pico Hotel Sands where we all stayed. Or Pico Sands Hotel. Or Hotel Pico Sands. Or some arrangement thereof.

The back lawn of the hotel

At the clubhouse

View of the beach from the St. Therese chapel

The  infinity pool fronting the beach

A panoramic shot of the man-made lake (click for full size) behind the hotel

The beach was okay by my standards -- no rocks, no seaweeds. But there were fish swimming with you. And once when I was just floating, I saw an eagle soaring in the sky!

Kainan sa Dalampasigan

On the way to Pico de Loro, we had lunch at Kainan sa Dalampasigan (somewhere in Batangas). It's a beautiful and airy restaurant with a lot of plants.

We had binalot which was rice (lots of it), chicken and pork adobo, and inihaw na hipon (roasted shrimps?), all wrapped in banana leaf. Hence, binalot = wrapped. We also had roasted tomatoes, bulalo, and since there were a lot of us, we got free leche flan for dessert. Yay! I wasn't able to finish all my rice, so my brother and I swapped. Some of my rice for his roasted shrimps.

Pictures! (no food pictures though)

The sign at streetside:

 The welcoming doorway:

Ceiling and floor:

The fountain. Oh, there's me too.

English-speaking si Wampo

My mom, overhearing my cousin talk to Wampo (brother's puppy) in Filipino, said to Ian:

"Ian, sabihin mo kay Julius, english-speaking si Wampo."

My brother, without even pausing to think, replied:

"Mabuti na yon madami syang matutunan na language habang puppy pa sya."

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My brother's puppy is going to be multi-lingual. Hihihi.

Work Portals

Wouldn't it be great if we had portals that connected our work cubes/space with our bedrooms?

Wake up late?

Rush through your morning routine. Step through the portal. Whoosh. Not late.

Want a nap in the middle of the workday, or really, at any time at all?

Get up from your office chair. Step through portal. Whoosh. In your bedroom.

Wake up refreshed. Step through portal. Whoosh. Back at the office.

The portal would be calibrated to you specifically, of course. We don't want just anybody stepping through it into your bedroom after all.

Or the wizards should just democratize the knowledge on how to disapparate. Pffftt.

mukha kang gandang-ganda sa sarili mo

So, I think I have just received the worst "compliment" of my life and it has been making me feel like crap the past few days.

It's also made me realize that I still have a long way to go with my zen, even though I've applied understanding and compartmentalization.

But anyway, it's a new week so I'm just putting it out there. Hopefully, the wind would do a better  job of blowing it away from my mind, or the universe would just swallow it up, or something.

Clarity and serenity to you.

I don't need all the love in the world, I just need yours.

The beauty of saying "NO"

In hindsight.


It was raining that night. That night, like many others before it, when we had dinner with friends and talked about life in general, complained about work, and bemoaned our love lives. You were on  your way to recovery after a bad breakup. I was in between dates. You offered to drive me home, since my car was coded and I opted to commute instead of waking up early.

"C'mon, I'd drive you home." Such a simple statement from you to me. Said countless times in various contexts. In Filipino (the way you said it) evoked care and concern and all the chivalry of courting -- "All done? Hatid na kita sa bahay."

It evoked intimacy. The kind that we've danced around but never acknowledged during all the time we spent together. We knew what this was leading to. It wasn't a simple drive home. That drive home would be the turning point in our relationship. From friends to more. It would  have been like settling into the relationship simply by default.

Yet, something in me didn't want that. All the time I'd known you, you were in this relationship. We had moments that never became more simply because I refused to make you that guy who cheated on his girlfriend. And I wasn't that girl anymore. You never made overt moves. I never encouraged you. But we knew that something was there between us. And I didn't want that then.

There you were without a girlfriend and there's that something between us. And you offered to drive me home. And I didn't want that then.

"No, thank you."

It was a simple statement between us. It was me saying "No" to all you were offering. Saying "No" to all the possibilities that could be us. Saying "No" to you.

Have I ever regretted that? No. (There's that beautiful word again)

I've idly wondered what it could have been like with you. But it's not some "go-back-in-the-past-and-change-it" moment. It was the right decision for both of us.

Because if I had said yes, you wouldn't have met the love of your life now. :)

But that's another story.
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 By the way, I'm expecting an engagement announcement from you guys soon. Happy anniversary!