bago na naman

I was taking stock of all the things that have made 2010 such a great year so far. Oh yeah, it is.
Now for my complaints...
guy #1 - has the hots for my friend
guy #2 - has the hots for my friend
guy #3 - has the hots for my friend

hehehe

my friend - has the hots for all the guys i like

conclusion -- as K said, FO!!!

blessings

good job
awesome friends
fantastic family
you, everyday and every hour, just you

Moved on!

Our first year anniversary (of the day we met) has come and gone. I don't know where you are or what you're doing...well, I have a vague idea of what you're doing because I haven't completely severed our connections... but I can safely say that I have gotten over my addiction to you. I rarely think of you...and those times that I do, I smile to and think "can't believe I really did that!" I have no regrets and I'm happy. I gave you every opportunity which you never took, I may be a little slow but I'm not completely stupid. At least I know that I did my best, it just wasn't meant to be.

I've changed jobs and moved a couple of buildings down. I still go to our "usual" places, this time without the twinge of memories. I like my independence. I like my new job. I like my new friends. I look at your pictures and I think, he sure is a hot(!) guy, just not for me.

I think I'm supposed to wait...that's fine with me. I've accepted the fact that some things just don't work out...and it's funny how some things do without my even trying.

Activities to get over THE guy

1) drunken phone calls to subject guy - failure, didn't have his cell number
2) drunken binge-ok, admittedly, I fell asleep too soon to actually feel the effects. let's do it again soon.
3) middle of the night phone calls to poor martyred friends - ok, haha, super owe you, libre ko na lang kayo sa s'pore gp :P
4) chocolate binge - ok, ty for the pound kiss,the dark raisinets, and the dark ferrero (love you guys, ngayon samahan nyo ko mag-gym)
5) video marathon of sappy love stories - ok,6) video marathon of asian horror movies - ok, you guys owe me a body pillow - can't believe nasira nyo si pooh-sakal!

And of course, no chinovela is complete without the following:
1) video montage of clothes shopping-ok,
2) cried into food, and still eating it with tears and snot (eew!)-ok, ty for the banana split; for the dimsum and noodles (P.S. remind me not to eat at sluggo's for the next six months...and E, yup, he was hot! :P)
3) road trip (in lieu of going away for two years) -failure, ayusin natin schedules natin!

Status update:
happy - often
hopeful - seesaw
crying jags - seldom
feel like dancing - not quite often but more often than sometimes

tapos na po *bow*

well...
I sometimes cringe at my memories of the past months...sometimes I smile and wonder where I ever got the verve to do the things I've done...but it all boils down to this:

I went all in on a bad beat and lost...what did I expect?

I think it's stupid to say goodbye when we were never together...I think it's stupid to still be hoping...I think I have been foolish for far too long now...dreams are great but only to a certain extent...while I have always let myself dream and wish, I also know that I'm losing too much of myself this time...I'm not ready to let go of the bits and pieces of me still remaining...

Now, all that's left to do is gather the rest of me and step back into reality...it's going to be a big step, with a heavy heart, a tired heart...smiles that are often forced...eyes that so easily cry...the voice inside my head always saying, shouting even "where are you chino? how are you doing?"

Now what?

I've had a week and a half to process the fact that you're not around anymore...The pain is gone, except for this gaping emptiness right where my heart is supposed to be...

I can't go into watson's or ministop without a memory of you popping into my mind. I don't think about you constantly anymore, but I'm not not thinking of you either.

Should I give up? S asked me, do you think you've given your all? I said no. But deep inside, I'm not sure I want to give my all...not until I hear from you.

Whew! I'm finished. Back to sanity.

Questions

We never got to know each other. We've never even had a meaningful conversation. There are some things I want to know about you...some stalker-stalkee things, hahaha.

1)How did you get your nickname? - I'll tell you my story someday.
2) What's your favorite food? - I'd learn to cook it for you.
3) What's your favorite color? - mine is red.
4) Do you have pets? What are they and what are their names? I have a goldfish named hamster.
5) How many siblings do you have? Are you the baby of the family? I have 4 siblings, and I'm the 4th child -- pero baby girl, hehe.
6) Are both your parents still alive? yes, thank God!
7) What's your greatest dream? I'll tell you mine someday.
8) Would you like to have children? With me? - I'm waiting breathlessly for your answer.

Hahaha, of course there are also the really important stuff, like:

Would you enjoy sitting in the shade in the summer and watch clouds? Would you be able to see the scary dragon or the fluffy bunnies or the ice cream sundaes and ponies and unicorns?

Would you love hot chocolate on a rainy day, while we sit together and talk about nothing and everything? How about reading together?

Would you appreciate the nuances of a debate involving such issues as:
Who would win in a fight? Goku vs Thanos? Voltez V vs Daimos? Naruto vs Gon? etc...
How about, who would be the best agent for the job: ethan hunt vs james bond vs bruce wayne? I know you're a batman fan, but do you also like bruce wayne when he's just bruce wayne? (batman = batang manyak hahahaha)

Would it creep you out to know that the last person I think of is you, because I have to wish you sweet dreams? Or that the first person I think of when I wake up is you?

Would it flatter you to know that I have never felt like this for anyone else?

I'm afraid these questions would never be answered...

Simply, I am afraid.

the aftermath

First, I'll explain the photo...it's just a bit of photoshop magic -- a photo of you from friendster, an unpublished photo of me...my friends say we look good together, I always wished we could be together.

After I learned your news, I lost all drive to work. Admittedly, I didn't hate my job, but you were really the reason I got up each day and went to work.

By now, I'm seriously considering messaging you in friendster to ask for your number....but I've been burnt twice -- two times I've sent you messages with no reply from you.

May 6 - last day

You were waiting for us at lunch...you were chatting with Angelo...You look great in black, by the way. But then you dropped your bombshell...Your division has been dissolved and your last day for work will be on Friday, May 8!!!

I'm sorry I didn't have anything to say...I must have looked stupid - speechless - I was shellshocked.

Still, I do thank you for telling me in person. I should have asked for your number then. But I didn't.

So I promised myself that if I saw you on Thursday or Friday, I'd muster enough courage to go up to you and ask for your number. But I never had the chance...I didn't even get a glimpse of you.

May 5

I worked late that night. When I came down to the parking elevators, you were there with a group of your officemates... I pretended not to notice you, pretended I was tired...Maybe if I had really looked at you I would have realized that all was not well with you either...

wala lang

The rest of our interactions were mostly his and hellos. Nothing really developed, but I must admit that I looked forward to going to work simply because of the thought that I might see you that day. Pathetic, I know, but there it is.

I have to say that watson's and ministop were becoming my favorite places. hahaha.

Of course, I also had my share of despair. One time while having dinner with S and Angelo at Lemon Twist, we saw you on a date!!! Ouch! Then a couple of weeks later, I'm not sure if its the same girl, you were with someone for lunch. Double ouch!

I finally mustered enough courage to add you in friendster... you sure kept me waiting long enough before you added me..plus, the day you added me, what was up with your friends that lunch time? I've never seen such weird behavior! I was tempted to look behind me to see who you were looking at even though we all know it was me. I sure hope you guys were entertained, maybe I should have danced or something so you'd have something to look at. Maybe I should have smiled? Please ask Paolo what that wave was about. I never told S and N about it.

Well, at least your friendster status is still single...

some background

I remember first knowing about you when S mentioned that someone was checking her out at the food park...hehe...sure enough, you were. You always used to walk at the back of Paolo's group. You looked quiet and shy, and I didn't really notice you then, and you never really saw me either.

Two moments stand out in my mind though, when I was sure you saw me (before we were even introduced).

One, I was walking behind S, and you were walking toward us... When you were in front of us you said "hi" in what to me sounded like a really modulated voice...S didn't hear you, but I did. Sorry, I found it funny, and I think I was smiling really big when our eyes met.

Two, you were waiting at Country Style, I was walking towards Juana Bowl, our eyes met and you didn't look away for the longest time... I might have smiled, I can't remember. I'm just thankful I didn't bump anyone.

So there...these were defining moments that made me realize that I wanted to meet you...I wanted you for myself (psycho!!!), made me think that maybe I had a fighting chance...