hopeful self-doubt

I think I'm a bad person.

I'm probably a villain in somebody's life story.  Maybe my brother's, a friend's, even my best friend's.

Ohmygod! What if I'm the villain in MY story?!

Oh, well, I'll just think of Megamind.  He had a happy ending, didn't he?

Sorry

I know it's a little late to say, "I'm sorry"
But I hope it's not too late to make amends
I give you all my love
I pray you'll give me one more chance
Let me be your friend again
Please. I'm so empty without you.

________________________________________
Journal entry dated July 11, 1999 - for P, when I royally screwed up

Denial

escape
into the refuge of my sleep
i ran from you
swept
along the darkness of my mind
i cried for you
lost against the grasping of her hands
i fought for you
adrift
in the turmoil of my dreams
i searched for you
cursed
to live a life alone
i longed for you
pain
of my illusions shattered
i loved  you
awake
only to memories of you
i still love  you

____________________________________
Journal entry dated January 28, 1999 - for J, who never looked back

A favorite poem

A poem by Kuan Tao-Sheng (I've lost the information on who translated this one)

Take a lump of clay

Wet it, pat it,

Make a statue of you

And a statue of me.

Then shatter them, clatter them,

Add some water,

And break them and mold them

Into a statue of you

And a statue of me.

Then in mine, there are bits of you

And in you there are bits of me

Nothing ever shall keep us apart.

I didn't know my mom wanted me to get married already

Lazy night watching the American Idol rerun with my Mom.  I was asking her to rub/scratch my back.  As is our usual "drama", she pretended to give me her back scratcher from Baguio.  I told her it feels better when somebody else scratches my back.  And I reminded her that I'm just following her advice that "ang kati kinakamot, hindi pinapakasalan" (roughly translated to: "scratch the itch, don't marry it"?)

Well, anyway, she had the perfect comeback this time, which had both of us laughing:

"Pakasalan mo na, parang awa mo na!!!"  

(Roughly translated to: "please go ahead and marry!", or maybe: "For the love of God, get married already!!!")

Eeep.

i got a haircut

I'm glad we're trying to work through all the bullshit. I just didn't realize we'd have to flay open all our scars.

I'm beginning to realize that it will never be same between us.  And since it was a rather frustrating day, I had another off-with-the-hair moment.  It's now just about chin length.  And my hair never agrees with being short.

not thinking of you

So I've been trying not to think of you.  I was about to congratulate myself that I haven't thought of you the entire day.  Then I realized that I was thinking about you when I thought that I didn't think of you ....

Pfft. I'm not ready to declare that this is a losing battle.

Poker night

Poker night with the boys.

I've been playing cautiously all night.  On my declared last hand, because I was already feeling sleepy, I got two aces, a ten of hearts, a 3 of diamonds and a 4 of clubs.

The flop revealed the ace of hearts, the 7 of spades, and the 4 of spades.  I anted up for the full house that I already have.  Everyone else folded except for 2 other players.  I figured they had flushes because of the flop.

Turn was a 2 of hearts. I called.

River was a 10 of spades.  I figured oh yeah flushes. The other player folded. I went all in.

I lost. Because of a 10-high straight flush. :(

I thought, "Dear Lord, if you're going to make me this unlucky at cards, you could at least make me a little bit lucky in love.  Even just a little bit."

Then I looked at my opponent, he was slightly drunk, slightly overweight, and I remembered he had a girlfriend who earned more than me.

That is just sooooo wrong. Who agrees with me?

Before I forget

I just went through an entire conversation with you without any snide remarks.  'Course the fact that it went like this probably helped:

Ano nangyari?

Wala naman. Nagkita kami ni toot-toot.

Ah...Eh di ayos. So anong gagawin mo?

Wala naman. Parang pag-iisipan ko muna.

Hay naku! Good luck to us!

Flirting advice

When I was 14 (yes, 14!),  my Dad told me that if I liked a boy, I should wink at said boy to show my feelings.

If I had followed this advice, I can just imagine scores of guys (Yes, I was a precocious teen, I had a multitude of crushes*) who will forever harbor the image of me winking at them.  Or the countless strangers who will have a vague memory of some weirdo girl who had a tic and leered at them. Twehehe.

Anyway, I never did follow my dad's advice.

But here I am, my dad just asked me when was the last time I went out on a date, and I didn't have a ready answer. Because I haven't kept track of the last time I went out on a date. And unfortunately the last one was so long ago it requires an actual counting of years. :(( Boohoo.

I've followed my mom's advice that "hindi pinapakasalan ang kati".  But since I'm dateless and significant-other-less, I'm beginning to seriously consider following my dad's advice. So if you see me winking...




___________________________
* Not as precocious as my older sister though, who when she was 11 (I was only 2 at that time I guess) asked Dad: "Daddy, what's libog?"

road(food)trip

Office went to Subic for GAD.Hehehe. Then we, E and M and I, went to Baguio for the weekend. Didn't have my camera and too lazy to whip out my phone to take pictures all the time. But I did manage to get some.

M picked E and I from our Subic hotel around 2. Then we had a rolling tour (hahaha) of Subic and ate a late lunch at Meatplus. (super diet fail!)

Drove to Baguio. (Good thing M super likes driving and didn't need relieving from me and E, ehehehe)

Dinner at 50's Diner where I had their cheeseburger and fries.  Cheeseburger was as big as a dinner plate. And which I totally enjoyed eating, nevermind the cheese and mayo and ketchup and mustard dripping down my chin. With real chunky potato wedges.  Didn't order a milkshake anymore and just stuck with water. Went to sleep at around 11pm, (kasi super akong napuyat the previous night, thanks to R and his antics).

Late kami lahat nagising the next day. So Saturday morning was spent touring around the city. But it was more of a searching for the following restaurants: (guys, use google na lang, I'm feeling too lazy to link na.)

Cafe by the Ruins - where we had breakfast. M and E had the mami, I had the kalabasa soup. SUPER YUMMY.

We walked around Burnham park awhile. then went to maharlika and block (black?) market for pasalubong shopping. We bought lots of walis!

O' Mai Khan for lunch.  M and E had mongolian eat all you can. I had Kublai's dream. butterfly pork topped with ham and eggs. Cholesterol!!!

Then we went to mines view park and the botanical gardens. Waiting for E to upload the photos talaga.

Then coffee at THE Manor. Window shopping at mile high (oh my star-spotting pa. E sino nga ulet yon kasama ni geoff eigenman?)

View from the Manor courtyard. Sitting at their loungers, hihihi.

Close-up of the sign there.  I'm like, "duh!" Madami siguro tumatalon.

Inside the Manor coffeeshop:

View from the courtyard, twilight na. I love the sky.

Then oh my gulay the next day. View from the resto.  Interior shots are in E's camera.

 Kasi nga, I love the sky.

Nag-Good Shepherd pa pala kami for more of pasalubong shopping.
Kumain din pala kami sa Isdaan on our way home. :))
I love SCTEX!. 

O, be careful tomorrow. It's April Fools!

Date me, I read.

I found this beautiful article on why you should date a girl who reads from http://melodygodfred.com/

 Anyway, I took the opportunity to copy the article below:

“Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes. She has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve.

Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag. She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she finds the book she wants. You see the weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a second hand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow.

She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the book.

Buy her another cup of coffee.


Let her know what you really think of Murakami. See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce’s Ulysses she’s just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice.

It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas and for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry, in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.

She has to give it a shot somehow.

Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.

Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who understand that all things will come to end. That you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.

Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilight series.

If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.

You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick. Over Skype.

You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.

Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.

Or better yet, date a girl who writes.“