There's nothing like a bracing conversation with a good friend to put things into their proper perspective.

So, I've been ranting to E about my recent heartache...and we got to talking about past relationships and the stuff that made us so happy when we were young and what we'd change and stuff like that.  Should have been a serious conversation but it degenerated into us trying to outdo each other with hilarious and outrageous stuff we'd like to do or would have liked to do if given the chance.

Anyway, I digress.  I was complaining about not getting the guy...and E said, "Seriously, if you put a little more effort into it and not treated it like a game, maybe we wouldn't be having this conversation now."

I'm like "You're right. I treat it like a game. I'm way too willing to give up on guys I like, or I match them up with some of my friends, who are so not deserving! (Sorry, I was ranting...and entitled to be a bitch.) But, it's so ingrained in me now.  I honestly don't know if I even know how to handle a relationship!  You know what? Now that I think about it. I'm not sure I even know how to start a relationship, much less be in one!"

E laughed like the wise woman (witch!) she is and said, "Honestly, you're so afraid of commitment, I don't get it.  You're so ready for a long-term relationship!"

"It's not that I'm not afraid exactly.  It's just that I'm extra-cautious.  Ok, that's exactly what you meant!"

E: "You are so afraid! You keep everyone at a distance.  The boys don't notice because you treat them all like friends.  They don't realize the friendliness is part of your defenses to keep everything from moving to a more personal level."

"I'm sure there are some men out there who would be smart enough to see through that and be brave enough to fight through the friendly vibes.  Besides, isn't it better to be friends first?"

"Ok, being friends first is...an ideal.  Here's my question: Would you recognize or realize it if a guy was trying to be more than friends?"

I had no answer.

E continued "I just think that you should be more open.  You're so deep into your own world (I sound so autistic/self-absorbed with this description!) maybe you don't realize it. Maybe you're not seeing the good guys around you. Admittedly, toot-toot totally should be shot the jerk!  And you've totally moved on, unfortunately, maybe you just moved on a little uhm too far away?"

"Great! Clearly, I have no idea...OMG, I am so screwed!"

E's parting remark: "That will be 2000 pesos for the therapy.  Advice is free."

Love you E!