To: Person-I-thought-was-the-one-for-me

I wasn't sure how I was going to start this so I'll just say whatever comes to mind:


Here I am at 2:53 in the morning.  I can't sleep.  I've about cried my eyes out and nothing's changed. I still don't have you. Not now, not ever.

I guess that's the funny part about being the person you leaned on, you never saw me. I was just there whenever you needed me.  And now, I'm crying over you and you won't even know.

You know, I always thought I at least had a semblance of a chance with you.  I made you laugh. I put up with your jokes. I listened to your hopes and dreams. I cheered for you. I cared when you were down. And you allowed me to do all those things. You were all those things for me too.

But you never looked at me the way you look at her.  Last night proved it, you couldn't take your eyes from her. I'd help you but it hurts too much. Crap, I'm such a doormat, I AM helping you even though it's tearing me apart. But I did all these because I thought you'd see the difference and realize that I'm so much better for you than she ever will be.

So I'm going to retreat now.  You won't even notice that I'm gone.  Because I'm realizing that maybe you weren't leaning on me all this time, maybe it was me who needed you.  Maybe I was the one needing the support and you were just too much of a gentleman to step away.

And because it hurts too much, I'm going to put my memories of us in a special box.  Just for me.  And maybe someday, I'll be able to look at them and examine them objectively and maybe smile a secret smile for the happy times we shared. Maybe sometime, we'll bump into each other and I'll be able to actually feel pleasantly surprised to see you.  Maybe I'll even be able to sincerely ask how you are. But not now.

Right now, just the thought that you're with her is making me tear up.  And if I saw you with her, no, I won't make a scene, but I probably won't be civil either.  If this were a trashy novel, I'd give you the cut-direct to let you know what I thought of you.  But it's not, and real life is always so messy and letting you know what I think is out of the question.  Letting you know what I feel, well, I've never hidden how I felt. You just chose not to see and hear me.  Which just proves how stupid I've been about you.  Why did I keep opening myself up to you when I knew that you didn't feel the same way?  I want to hate you but I can't.


I guess this will be the last time for both us.  I won't be calling you anymore.  And I do thank you for all the times you were my friend. I really do. It's just that now, being your friend won't be enough. I love you but you don't love me back. Not the way I want you to. And THAT hurts more than you can ever know.

No, I'm wrong. You not loving me hurts.  Me finding out that you want her over me hurts MORE. Yes, I'm ashamed to admit that a little pride is involved here, but there it is.

Maybe someday, I'll be able to wish you happiness with her. Not right now.


I'm thinking I can't go on crying myself to sleep.  This time, as my tears flow, they flow with a purpose. I'm cleansing myself of all the hurt I've put on myself.  And though it feels like the world is ending, I know that when the sun breaks through the mountains, a couple of hours from now, I'm gonna be the new me. I'm gonna be strong. I won't cry anymore.


I can go on with the rest of my life, even without you. Starting now, not because I choose to, but because I don't have a choice.

I read somewhere that if you smile and act happy, it becomes natural.  I can do that. Just not right now.

love,
doodie