July 27, 2012 was the day I said goodbye

I would have rocked your world.

Just decide

Lying awake, staring at the ceiling and clutching your phone during the very early hours of the morning and after a late night is never a good sign. Ok, usually not a good sign.

Whatever it is that's bugging you, it's something that needs a decision from you.

Pursue it to the end, whether good or bad. Choose it because it might make you happy. Well, happier than you are now. Or, if it doesn't end well, at least, you know that you did something about it. That nothing more could have been done to save it. Grasp those last few moments when you convince yourself that that is what you want. If it ends well, then by God,  it ends well and you will be the happier for it.

Walk away. Just pick up and walk away. Decide that this is it and no amount of prayer and effort and hoping will change anything. That even if anything does change, it will be tainted and will in the long-run be something that disappoints you. How everything stands now isn't what you want. That it would be better to cut all ties now rather than go through the motions of planning for a future that will never be. A future that isn't looking as promising as it used to be.

Either way it's hard. The hope that everything will work out may paralyze you. If you do walk away, the regret may paralyze you. It will be harder to get out bed in the mornings. Inspiration will fail you. Food will be tasteless (oh, or food will be the only comfort).

Choosing to stay may bring disappointments and regret OR happiness. Real.

Walking away may bring regret. Mostly imaginary.

What you don't know won't hurt you. Bury your head under your pillow.

Choosing to stay means that another decision must be made later. So many other decisions.

Walking away leads to one or two. Move on and find another happiness or wallow in regret.

Just decide. End it now or give a few more months or years of your life for that glimpse of happiness beckoning despite all the confusion and darkness now.

Choose to go, escape if you have to. Run away. Choose not to go, not choosing anything means you're choosing not to go. Your choice.

Decide.

How love should be appreciated

Truths that I sometimes forget:

"The spark is a welcomed and celebrated first step — an emotional doorway drug — along the path of love, but it is not love itself. The spark is the emotional high. It’s the manic part of the plot, the shallow scenes of the movie that are fun and easy to write but not where the depth of the characters is explored."

"Love isn’t a moment. It’s a million moments back to back. Love is the totality of what is looked back on, it’s the reminiscences by those who have always held that one relationship in higher regard than any other, even among myriad opportunities. Love is not fleeting, not temporary, not able to be had with whomever and whenever."

Words from a beautiful essay I stumbled upon on Ervin Han's blog, ervination.com . Ok, so I didn't exactly stumble on it since I follow him on twitter because he's cute AND funny. :) He's graciously allowed me to repost the entry here.

Maybe if we all appreciated love like this, it might get a little bit easier. Because life is beautiful and it's even better with love. :)

Enjoy.

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Love at First Sight (The Spark)

(Essay reproduced. Author unknown.)

I don’t think “love at first sight” is a real thing because it beggars the understanding of what love truly is. I certainly understand the appeal of a meant-to-be fated romance, but that has not the depth that twenty or fifty years of loyal marriage contains. First-sighted love is shallow by comparison.

Maybe “spark at first sight” or “connection at first sight” is more accurate. But those phrases won’t catch on because they’re not romantic enough; they’re too factual and miss all the poetry of the feelings of the moment.

But isn’t that the point? Love isn’t a moment. It’s a million moments back to back. Love is the totality of what is looked back on, it’s the reminiscences by those who have always held that one relationship in higher regard than any other, even among myriad opportunities. Love is not fleeting, not temporary, not able to be had with whomever and whenever.

The spark is a welcomed and celebrated first step — an emotional doorway drug — along the path of love, but it is not love itself. The spark is the emotional high. It’s the manic part of the plot, the shallow scenes of the movie that are fun and easy to write but not where the depth of the characters is explored.

We can all recognize the universality of a story that highlights the spark, but we long to connect with the truth revealed in commitment’s depth. Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet is not a romance, but a tragedy — if for no other reason than that they never progress past manic emotionalism and into something more mature. The spark was all they had, and even that was quickly gone.

But compare that with the excellent prelude of the computer animated film Up. The spark between the couple sets the buoyant tone and we get the sense that great love has flourished between them. Their love has matured through life’s ebb and flow, through achievements and disappointments. The movie’s silent prelude leads us through the spark of their romance, the depth of their love, and the pain of losing the same. It is this arc that moves us emotionally and prepares us to suspend disbelief when, as an older man, the main character launches into his greatest journey, all borne from the depth of his commitment. (And notice from Shakespeare that irrational sacrifice is the outcome of the spark’s immaturity, while in Up we see that love puts correct emphasis on enthralled living.)

The spark certainly has its role. It convinces you to lower your defenses, take a risk, and then take responsibility for a real relationship. It’s an invitation into something greater. The spark is an emotional promise, “There is something greater than what you feel right now, something worth the time, worth your heart.” The spark can’t take responsibility for what comes after and how the relationship unfolds, but it is truthful in its promise to open the doorway to love.

The spark says, “Carpe diem,” this is the only moment that matters, the most important moment of your life. But what comes after convinces you that every moment since has mattered, has made your life what it is. This is much more than the spark could ever have given; this is love.

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I'm starting to really believe that I can do this without you.

They shared a quiet laugh.

She looked at him, only to find him looking at her.

She tilted her head and smiled a tentative smile. A question in her eyes.

He broke eye contact first and changed the subject.

She answered.

He wouldn't look at her again except for quick glances.

She smiled bravely though she felt tears sting.

Her question was answered.

A friend joined them. Noticed the altered atmosphere at the table, gave her a look.

She gave a quick shake of her head.

He pretended not to see the unspoken communication.

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SHE

I like spending time with him. He's so smart and funny.

Oh my god, he's looking at me.

Smile. Everything's cool.

Why that topic? Of all things.

Crap. I will not cry. I will not cry.

Saved.

I'll tell you later.

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HE

I can't believe she got that joke.

She's really pretty in this light. I never noticed she crinkles her eyes like that.

Better go to safer topics.

I think I need to get excited about something!!!

I'm getting excited about getting excited about something!!!

2 things

"I told you I moved on."

"I told you I'd move on."

You're no longer my go-to guy, sorry. See, I told you I moved on.

I'm afraid I'm going to miss you even though I said I've moved on.

I just wanted to say that my heart is was invested in you. However, recent developments i.e. increasingly negative returns, pessimistic projections with little or no possibility of a turnaround; have forced me to reconsider my options.

Thus, it is with not a little sadness that I regret to inform you of my intention to terminate this arrangement. I am hereby taking back my heart, with or without your consent. You may keep any bits and pieces that will inevitably be left behind. Salvage costs and what-not, if you will.

While this arrangement has not been profitable, it has been a learning experience.

Thank you very much.