Down again

Recent events have had me thinking about God again. Most everyone who knows me know that I don't regularly go to church. I was born and baptized, I have received most of the sacraments because of my Catholic school upbringing, but I have never imbibed the church-going habit. Don't get me wrong, I pray a lot. I just don't go to church.

The tragedies that are occurring daily, whether of nature or man-made, have me feeling hopeless again. I've always been fairly unstable, with extreme ups and downs (though, I've never been diagnosed as needing chemical therapy), let me just say, that I have been having a lot of trouble maintaining the "up" lately.

Well, anyway, I've been wrestling with the existence of God. Again. Some people will disagree with me. Sometimes my thoughts go in a circle. Sometimes they go in a straight line with a very logical conclusion. But here's the gist of what troubles me.

1. God doesn't exist and this is all there is.

2. God exists, why does he let these things happen?

3. God exists, and he's causing everything to happen, because a very smart person said "God doesn't play dice with the universe".

This also applies to what I sometimes think about when I think about Jesus, Judas, Herod and Pilate.

4. God wanted us to be saved.

5. He decided that Jesus would die on the cross for us.

6. In order to do that, Jesus should be caught and sentenced to be crucified.

7. So why are Judas and Herod and Pilate vilified for their roles in our saving?

8. People say that free will had a role in this. Really? Even in light of God's plan?

9. If we are saved, what is the meaning of all this?

Anyway, what does it matter right?