Now what?

I've had a week and a half to process the fact that you're not around anymore...The pain is gone, except for this gaping emptiness right where my heart is supposed to be...

I can't go into watson's or ministop without a memory of you popping into my mind. I don't think about you constantly anymore, but I'm not not thinking of you either.

Should I give up? S asked me, do you think you've given your all? I said no. But deep inside, I'm not sure I want to give my all...not until I hear from you.

Whew! I'm finished. Back to sanity.

Questions

We never got to know each other. We've never even had a meaningful conversation. There are some things I want to know about you...some stalker-stalkee things, hahaha.

1)How did you get your nickname? - I'll tell you my story someday.
2) What's your favorite food? - I'd learn to cook it for you.
3) What's your favorite color? - mine is red.
4) Do you have pets? What are they and what are their names? I have a goldfish named hamster.
5) How many siblings do you have? Are you the baby of the family? I have 4 siblings, and I'm the 4th child -- pero baby girl, hehe.
6) Are both your parents still alive? yes, thank God!
7) What's your greatest dream? I'll tell you mine someday.
8) Would you like to have children? With me? - I'm waiting breathlessly for your answer.

Hahaha, of course there are also the really important stuff, like:

Would you enjoy sitting in the shade in the summer and watch clouds? Would you be able to see the scary dragon or the fluffy bunnies or the ice cream sundaes and ponies and unicorns?

Would you love hot chocolate on a rainy day, while we sit together and talk about nothing and everything? How about reading together?

Would you appreciate the nuances of a debate involving such issues as:
Who would win in a fight? Goku vs Thanos? Voltez V vs Daimos? Naruto vs Gon? etc...
How about, who would be the best agent for the job: ethan hunt vs james bond vs bruce wayne? I know you're a batman fan, but do you also like bruce wayne when he's just bruce wayne? (batman = batang manyak hahahaha)

Would it creep you out to know that the last person I think of is you, because I have to wish you sweet dreams? Or that the first person I think of when I wake up is you?

Would it flatter you to know that I have never felt like this for anyone else?

I'm afraid these questions would never be answered...

Simply, I am afraid.

the aftermath

First, I'll explain the photo...it's just a bit of photoshop magic -- a photo of you from friendster, an unpublished photo of me...my friends say we look good together, I always wished we could be together.

After I learned your news, I lost all drive to work. Admittedly, I didn't hate my job, but you were really the reason I got up each day and went to work.

By now, I'm seriously considering messaging you in friendster to ask for your number....but I've been burnt twice -- two times I've sent you messages with no reply from you.

May 6 - last day

You were waiting for us at lunch...you were chatting with Angelo...You look great in black, by the way. But then you dropped your bombshell...Your division has been dissolved and your last day for work will be on Friday, May 8!!!

I'm sorry I didn't have anything to say...I must have looked stupid - speechless - I was shellshocked.

Still, I do thank you for telling me in person. I should have asked for your number then. But I didn't.

So I promised myself that if I saw you on Thursday or Friday, I'd muster enough courage to go up to you and ask for your number. But I never had the chance...I didn't even get a glimpse of you.

May 5

I worked late that night. When I came down to the parking elevators, you were there with a group of your officemates... I pretended not to notice you, pretended I was tired...Maybe if I had really looked at you I would have realized that all was not well with you either...

wala lang

The rest of our interactions were mostly his and hellos. Nothing really developed, but I must admit that I looked forward to going to work simply because of the thought that I might see you that day. Pathetic, I know, but there it is.

I have to say that watson's and ministop were becoming my favorite places. hahaha.

Of course, I also had my share of despair. One time while having dinner with S and Angelo at Lemon Twist, we saw you on a date!!! Ouch! Then a couple of weeks later, I'm not sure if its the same girl, you were with someone for lunch. Double ouch!

I finally mustered enough courage to add you in friendster... you sure kept me waiting long enough before you added me..plus, the day you added me, what was up with your friends that lunch time? I've never seen such weird behavior! I was tempted to look behind me to see who you were looking at even though we all know it was me. I sure hope you guys were entertained, maybe I should have danced or something so you'd have something to look at. Maybe I should have smiled? Please ask Paolo what that wave was about. I never told S and N about it.

Well, at least your friendster status is still single...

some background

I remember first knowing about you when S mentioned that someone was checking her out at the food park...hehe...sure enough, you were. You always used to walk at the back of Paolo's group. You looked quiet and shy, and I didn't really notice you then, and you never really saw me either.

Two moments stand out in my mind though, when I was sure you saw me (before we were even introduced).

One, I was walking behind S, and you were walking toward us... When you were in front of us you said "hi" in what to me sounded like a really modulated voice...S didn't hear you, but I did. Sorry, I found it funny, and I think I was smiling really big when our eyes met.

Two, you were waiting at Country Style, I was walking towards Juana Bowl, our eyes met and you didn't look away for the longest time... I might have smiled, I can't remember. I'm just thankful I didn't bump anyone.

So there...these were defining moments that made me realize that I wanted to meet you...I wanted you for myself (psycho!!!), made me think that maybe I had a fighting chance...

Congratulations

Finally, you were back at work..and you had good news to share. You topped the board exam for landscape architects. You looked really pleased with yourself..I was really proud and scared.

I told S, "paano na yan...he's gorgeous AND smart". I'm sure I'm not the only woman throwing myself at you. hahaha.

Sure enough, a couple of weeks later, while having dinner with S and Angelo, we saw you...On a date...Ouch!

Missing you daw

Can I be more obvious?
Having already asked you out
I thought you got the hint.
Now you're not around
Out of sight out of mind, not!

Reduced to missing you
Everything's just bleargh!
Yesterday was great
Except you weren't there.
Stupid dare!

Yan! Yan ang resulta nang hindi mo pagpasok. Poetic daw ba? More like elementary rhyming -- hindi nga eh. Posted this in my multiply, which of course got immediate reactions from my friends ranging from "sino yan?" to "what have you gotten yourself into this time?" Hindi naman ganyan ka-bulgar yun formatting but then again, I don't usually rhyme nor do I speak in phrases like those. I'd just like to clarify that this was all your fault.

Because wala akong eq, and I have definite stalker tendencies, I messaged you sa friendster asking kung asan ka na. Buti na lang you're innately polite because you replied and told me that you're just on leave and will be back next week.

Ah leave. Thank God!

the invitation

a week after meeting you, I accosted (there's no other word for it) you at watson's...on the pretext of buying a roll of candy. It was really crazy considering that I didn't even have any money on me at that time. I said "hi", you said "hi" back. Can't recall the conversation verbatim, but those few minutes when I stood in line behind you were whew! the highlight of my month. I asked if you'd want to go to a charity party a sorority was giving....

you later said no. This was fine with me, although I regret not clarifying that it was you I was asking to go and I couldn't care less if S's Paolo would come.

You're first no was ok... I thought I'd have next times to look forward to. Then you didn't show up for work the next week.......

February 17

I still remember the day we were introduced....it was grace's birthday, a tuesday. After much begging, (and finally the opportunity and timing was just right), N finally introduced me to you. You were ever so polite, and even more gorgeous up close...Chino Reyes...who would have known?

I certainly didn't.

initial steps of rehab

just to expunge the last three months of craziness that has ruled my life...i'll explain bakit ako lang ang happy sa pic na 'to.