hopeful self-doubt

I think I'm a bad person.

I'm probably a villain in somebody's life story.  Maybe my brother's, a friend's, even my best friend's.

Ohmygod! What if I'm the villain in MY story?!

Oh, well, I'll just think of Megamind.  He had a happy ending, didn't he?

Sorry

I know it's a little late to say, "I'm sorry"
But I hope it's not too late to make amends
I give you all my love
I pray you'll give me one more chance
Let me be your friend again
Please. I'm so empty without you.

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Journal entry dated July 11, 1999 - for P, when I royally screwed up

Denial

escape
into the refuge of my sleep
i ran from you
swept
along the darkness of my mind
i cried for you
lost against the grasping of her hands
i fought for you
adrift
in the turmoil of my dreams
i searched for you
cursed
to live a life alone
i longed for you
pain
of my illusions shattered
i loved  you
awake
only to memories of you
i still love  you

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Journal entry dated January 28, 1999 - for J, who never looked back

A favorite poem

A poem by Kuan Tao-Sheng (I've lost the information on who translated this one)

Take a lump of clay

Wet it, pat it,

Make a statue of you

And a statue of me.

Then shatter them, clatter them,

Add some water,

And break them and mold them

Into a statue of you

And a statue of me.

Then in mine, there are bits of you

And in you there are bits of me

Nothing ever shall keep us apart.

I didn't know my mom wanted me to get married already

Lazy night watching the American Idol rerun with my Mom.  I was asking her to rub/scratch my back.  As is our usual "drama", she pretended to give me her back scratcher from Baguio.  I told her it feels better when somebody else scratches my back.  And I reminded her that I'm just following her advice that "ang kati kinakamot, hindi pinapakasalan" (roughly translated to: "scratch the itch, don't marry it"?)

Well, anyway, she had the perfect comeback this time, which had both of us laughing:

"Pakasalan mo na, parang awa mo na!!!"  

(Roughly translated to: "please go ahead and marry!", or maybe: "For the love of God, get married already!!!")

Eeep.

i got a haircut

I'm glad we're trying to work through all the bullshit. I just didn't realize we'd have to flay open all our scars.

I'm beginning to realize that it will never be same between us.  And since it was a rather frustrating day, I had another off-with-the-hair moment.  It's now just about chin length.  And my hair never agrees with being short.

not thinking of you

So I've been trying not to think of you.  I was about to congratulate myself that I haven't thought of you the entire day.  Then I realized that I was thinking about you when I thought that I didn't think of you ....

Pfft. I'm not ready to declare that this is a losing battle.

Poker night

Poker night with the boys.

I've been playing cautiously all night.  On my declared last hand, because I was already feeling sleepy, I got two aces, a ten of hearts, a 3 of diamonds and a 4 of clubs.

The flop revealed the ace of hearts, the 7 of spades, and the 4 of spades.  I anted up for the full house that I already have.  Everyone else folded except for 2 other players.  I figured they had flushes because of the flop.

Turn was a 2 of hearts. I called.

River was a 10 of spades.  I figured oh yeah flushes. The other player folded. I went all in.

I lost. Because of a 10-high straight flush. :(

I thought, "Dear Lord, if you're going to make me this unlucky at cards, you could at least make me a little bit lucky in love.  Even just a little bit."

Then I looked at my opponent, he was slightly drunk, slightly overweight, and I remembered he had a girlfriend who earned more than me.

That is just sooooo wrong. Who agrees with me?

Before I forget

I just went through an entire conversation with you without any snide remarks.  'Course the fact that it went like this probably helped:

Ano nangyari?

Wala naman. Nagkita kami ni toot-toot.

Ah...Eh di ayos. So anong gagawin mo?

Wala naman. Parang pag-iisipan ko muna.

Hay naku! Good luck to us!

Flirting advice

When I was 14 (yes, 14!),  my Dad told me that if I liked a boy, I should wink at said boy to show my feelings.

If I had followed this advice, I can just imagine scores of guys (Yes, I was a precocious teen, I had a multitude of crushes*) who will forever harbor the image of me winking at them.  Or the countless strangers who will have a vague memory of some weirdo girl who had a tic and leered at them. Twehehe.

Anyway, I never did follow my dad's advice.

But here I am, my dad just asked me when was the last time I went out on a date, and I didn't have a ready answer. Because I haven't kept track of the last time I went out on a date. And unfortunately the last one was so long ago it requires an actual counting of years. :(( Boohoo.

I've followed my mom's advice that "hindi pinapakasalan ang kati".  But since I'm dateless and significant-other-less, I'm beginning to seriously consider following my dad's advice. So if you see me winking...




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* Not as precocious as my older sister though, who when she was 11 (I was only 2 at that time I guess) asked Dad: "Daddy, what's libog?"