Pen and paper 1

I can't draw but I don't let that stop me. :)

comes back and bites me

As the baby grabbed my finger and held on tight, I looked up straight into your eyes. I thought:

"Oh my god. He could be our baby."

But a lot of things got in the way of "us".

"Should-haves, would-haves, could-haves." Nothing.

What can I say? When I was younger, I did "young and stupid" really really really well.

So true!

From bookfessions.tumblr.com

Save me

You are my passion and my poison. And I am addicted.

No matter how many times I go into rehab. I will always, always WILLINGLY fall back into you.

I'm just saying that since I obviously don't have the strength nor the desire to resist you, you should be the one to step away.

Thanks.

30-day photo challenge

Here's something I can do for July. From http://pinterest.com/pin/51255703/

Wish me luck and inspiration!

I do believe (a love poem)

Here's a poem that I've known since grade school. I never knew who originally wrote it and I've seen several versions of it in the internet.

---------------------------------

I do believe that the Lord above
created you for me to love

He picked you up from all the rest
because he knows I love you best

I have a heart and it is true
But it has gone from me to you

So take good care of it just like I do
for I have none and you have two

If I go to heaven and you're not there
I'll wait for you by the golden gates

If you're not there by judgment day
I'll know you went the other way

So I'll return my angel wings
my golden harp and my everything

To prove to you my love is true
I'll go to hell just to be with you

-----------------------------------

Love is where is you find it.

Daily Pleasure

My daily mini-games. I love kadokado.





Come join me!

Installing Love

Yet another cute email from the time when email was for cute forwarded message and not urgent emails from clients. Hehehe.

 ---------------------------------------------------------

Tech Support:  Yes, ... how can I help you?
 

Customer:        Well, after much consideration, I've decided to install Love. Can you guide me though the process?

Tech Support: Yes. I can help you. Are you ready to proceed? 

Customer:        Well, I'm not very technical, but I think I'm ready. What do I do first?

Tech Support:  The first step is to open your Heart. Have you located your Heart?

Customer:        Yes, but there are several other programs running now. Is it okay to install Love while they are running?

Tech Support: What programs are running ?

Customer:        Let's see, I have Past Hurt, Low Self-Esteem, Grudge and Resentment running right now.

Tech Support:  No problem, Love will gradually erase Past Hurt from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory but it will no longer  disrupt other programs. Love will eventually override Low Self-Esteem with a module of its own called High Self-Esteem. However, you have to completely turn off Grudge and Resentment. Those programs prevent Love from being  properly installed. Can you turn those off ?

Customer:        I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

Tech Support: With pleasure. Go to your start menu and invoke Forgiveness. Do this as many times as necessary until Grudge and Resentment have been completely erased.

Customer:        Okay, done! Love has started installing itself. Is that normal?

Tech Support: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other Hearts in order to get the upgrades.

Customer:        Oops! I have an error message already. It says, "Error - Program not run on external components."  What should I do?

Tech Support:  Don't worry. It means that the Love program is set up to run on Internal Hearts, but has not yet been run on your Heart. In non-technical terms, it simply means you have to Love yourself before you can Love others.

Customer:        So, what should I do?

Tech Support: Pull down Self-Acceptance; then click on the following files:  Forgive-Self; Realize Your Worth; and Acknowledge your Limitations.

Customer:                Okay, done.

Tech Support:  Now, copy them to the "My Heart" directory. The system will  overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching faulty programming. Also, you need to delete Verbose Self-Criticism from all directories and empty your Recycle Bin to make sure it is completely
gone and never comes back.

Customer:        Got it. Hey! My heart is filling up with new files. Smile is playing on my monitor and Peace and Contentment are copying themselves all over My Heart. Is this normal?

Tech Support:  Sometimes. For others it takes awhile, but eventually everything gets it at the proper time. So Love is installed and running. One more thing before we hang up. Love is Freeware. Be sure
to give it and its various modules to everyone you meet. They will in turn share it with others and return some cool  modules back to you.

Customer:      Thank you, God.  

----------------------------------------------------------

Now, tell me if that doesn't make you smile.

I did this

"There comes a time in life when  you have to let go of all the pointless drama and the people who create it and surround yourself with people who make you LAUGH SO HARD that you forget the bad and focus solely on the good. After all, life is too short to be anything but happy."

Next up on my to-do: getting rid of MY pointless drama.

I'm done

with the mind games.

The problem is: I don't know how to tell you that I'm done.

Sometimes, I want to put all my cards on the table and tell you how I feel. Then I get scared. I don't do it. I go back to the mind games.

This time, I'm sticking to the plan. NO MORE mind games.

But I'm not going to force myself to tell you.

If it works out, then good. If not, maybe I will always wonder what could have been if I had told you.

Or not.

Run through the rain (from an old forwarded email)

A little girl had been shopping with her Mom in Target. She must have been 6 years old, this beautiful red haired, freckle faced image of innocence. It was pouring outside. The kind of rain that gushes over the top of rain gutters, so much in a hurry to hit the earth it has no time to flow down the spout. We all stood there under the awning and just inside the door of the Target.

We waited, some patiently, others irritated because nature messed up their hurried day. I am always mesmerized by rainfall. I got lost in the sound and sight of the heavens washing away the dirt and dust of the world. Memories of running, splashing so carefree as a child came pouring in as a welcome reprieve from the worries of my day.

The little voice was so sweet as it broke the hypnotic trance we were all caught in "Mom, let's run through the rain," she said.

"What?" Mom asked.

"Let 's run through the rain!" She repeated.

"No, honey. We'll wait until it slows down a bit," Mom replied.

This young child waited about another minute and repeated: "Mom, let's run through the rain,"

"We'll get soaked if we do," Mom said.

"No, we won't, Mom. That's not what you said this morning," the young girl said as she tugged at her Mom's arm.

"This morning? When did I say we could run through the rain and not get wet?"

"Don't you remember? When you were talking to Daddy about his cancer, you said, 'If God can get us through this, he can get us through anything!"

The entire crowd stopped dead silent. I swear you couldn't hear anything but the rain. We all stood silently. No one came or left in the next few minutes.

 

Mom paused and thought for a moment about what she would say. Now some would laugh it off and scold her for being silly. Some might even ignore what was said. But this was a moment of affirmation in a young child's life. A time when innocent trust can be nurtured so that it will bloom into faith.

"Honey, you are absolutely right. Let's run through the rain. If GOD let's us get wet, well maybe we just needed washing," Mom said

Then off they ran. We all stood watching, smiling and laughing as they darted past the cars and yes, through the puddles. They held their shopping bags over their heads just in case. They got soaked. But they were followed by a few who screamed and laughed like children all the way to their cars.

And yes, I did. I ran. I got wet. I needed washing.

Circumstances or people can take away your material possessions, they can take away your money, and they can take away your health. But no one can ever take away your precious memories...So, don't forget to make time and take the opportunities to make memories everyday. To everything there is a season and a time to every purpose under heaven.

 

I HOPE YOU STILL TAKE THE TIME TO RUN THROUGH THE RAIN.

After several days of rain and gloomy weather, I love the weak watery sunlight filtering through the clouds today. Making the wet leaves really green. Shafting through my curtains.




It reminds me of infinite possibilities.

My mom's supportive (-_-)

Rainy long weekend spent with family. Enough said.

Anyway, this morning, I weighed 112 pounds. That's 8 pounds more than when I transferred to this new job almost 9 months ago. That's also beyond the ideal weight for my height and frame. I should do a diet and fitness plan. Nyark.

So, I related my weight gain to my mom over breakfast, who commented:

"I hope you're not pregnant." (Me thinking: What the...!?!) Then she continued:

"When I was that age, I already had three kids and still weighed 90 pounds."

Me: "Well Mom, you should be glad I was able to surpass you at something."

Hehe.

nearly over friendship

suffered through another conversation...which thanks to E's advice I cut short with a terse "let's change topic! I have nothing to do with this one."

I'm beginning to dread "I miss you" because it always means "I need something from you."

When acceptance is all you have left

you end up having everything you never thought you wanted.

Repeat.







No, it's not working!

a secret

sometimes a slight whisper
easily tamped down
sometimes a scream
rising towards the universe

yet no sound is heard
no motion is seen
i hide behind my smile
while inside a prisoner
my secret self

BF Pillow

According to L, who needs a significant other, with this pillow?

http://pinterest.com/pin/37749859/

Thanks L for pointing me in the right direction. It does look like bliss. I wonder if it comes in body temperature, for perfect spooning moments. Hehe.

"Stay within the circle!" I shouted.

"What circle?" He asked.

Why wait?

 Ok, I'm very tired from my Sunday chores. Top it with:

1) my very handsome crush changed his profile pic -- he's really handsome whatever angle you look at. :)

2) just got news that, well, let's just say that there have been certain developments that don't really benefit me. Waaah!

Anyway, so back to my crush, I was thinking about the missed opportunities I had with him. How things have changed. How I could have done things differently. How how how! HOW?

So, this entry from a blog "Everyday Isa" really comes at a good time. A good read.

From: Everyday Isa

My good friend, Den, suggested that  I blog and write down all the reasons why I think guys  should date me. It’s a promising topic (because I really believe that I’m date-able!) but right now, something that I think bears more weight is: The Kind of Person I Want YOU to Date.

I don’t know who you are but I want great things for you. I want you to have romance and committed love and something real. Something that lasts. That’s really hard to come by these days but I want that for you and I want that for me, too. Here are some of the things I wish I could tell my future children about love. To be honest, I don’t know if I’m ever going to get married and have kids but that’s okay. I’ll pass these things on to you instead. You, my friend, are worthy of great, authentic love.

Please never settle.

Love,
Isa

***

The person I want you to date exists and I want you to wait it out until you meet them. Because, in case you haven’t yet,  you will. Waiting is for the brave  – it means watching years pass, noticing yourself growing older and sitting through wedding after wedding after wedding. It means bottling that slow-rising fear. It means questioning your standards and running the risk of settling.

I wish someone had told me that the person I was meant to be with was a real actual living person, breathing in some part of the world and waiting, too. I did not believe in romantic destiny so I projected all my hopes into the wrong people and tried desperately to make these wrong people right. In the end, no one won and the aftermath was a combination of devastating grief, self-loathing and crippling regret. I do not want that for you.

Wait.

The person I want you to date might be making morning coffee right now or sleeping through a thunderstorm or getting a degree in Physics. Wait. I mean it. Every other person will be a cheap imitation of the real thing.

The person I want you to date believes in big things. This person has a passion and pursues it with a  hunger that could set the world on fire. This person believes in setting goals and making them happen. Trust me: you will never regret being with someone who is madly in love with their purpose in life. When you meet this person —  this unstoppable ball of good fury — I want you to have a vision of your own. A goal you can shape your life around. I want you to have a desire to change the world, whatever pocket of it you belong to. You can’t be stagnant when the person you’re with is active and dynamic. Life is a grand celebration of doing great things that matter and you (yes, you) play a huge part in all of it.

The person I want you to date has character. When you’re young, all you’re looking for is personality. Charm. Compatibility in music and book taste and food preferences. I think these are all well and good but character is what sustains a relationship when all of these things change. Personality is ever-evolving, character grows and amplifies in time. Character is when a person does beautiful things without seeking credit. It’s when someone doesn’t quit — even if every fiber of their being begs them to. It’s the ability of someone to graciously expend back-breaking heart-wrenching love to someone who has disappointed and failed them. Character is that beautiful thing that gets molded over time and experience. Be someone with character and never settle for someone without it.

The person I want you to date will be into you. Really, really into you. There will be no need for pointless mind games, no room for even the slightest bit of emotional confusion.  The person I want you to date will be crystal clear about their intentions towards you. They will not win you over with sweet nothings or romantic gestures. Their love will be bigger than the superficial trappings of courtship. The person I want you to date will take the time know you. They will see everything there is to love about you  and they will look at the core of all the bad stuff and not balk. They will not run at the first sign of ugliness. Instead, they will love you through it.

I want you to know that the person I want you to date will fail you. Give them the grace to be human. (You are one, too.) Don’t listen to those stupid quotes that tell you that the person who loves you will never make you cry. I want you to realistically approach this thing we call human relationships. Hurting one another is part of the messy dynamics of getting close to someone. But the person I want you to date is a person who knows how to resolve conflict especially when it blows up in both your faces. Their ego will never be too big to own up to their mistakes. 

And when it comes to their love for you, YOU WILL KNOW. Their love will be the most painfully obvious thing in the world that though  you will come to question many, many things in life, you will never — not even once — question them.

And you know what? They will believe in you so much that you will never feel compelled to question yourself. You will put all your insecurities to rest because the person I want you to date will, more than anything, make you feel that you matter. Always. And you know why? Because you do.

I’m sure it sounds like a long shot but what if you dared to believe that the person I want you to date is real? Love is greater than cynicism and this is what I believe — yes, me, the last single girl in the world: While some people think  this all sounds  too good to be true,  there is a God who is out to give us things that are much too good to be false.

Believe. Don’t settle. And in the meantime: become the person that the person you’re looking for is looking for.

Importance of labeling

We ordered whole chicken, but when the delivery arrived and I saw the label, something else comes to mind.

blocked

I don't think I'll finish "David and Steffi" in the near future.

The only thing I've written on Part IV: "I blew on my coffee as"

That's it.

Got another story playing around in  my mind.

Weirdo.

nicknames

So, I've been thinking about names lately. Yeah, my future children's names have been planned out. Joke.

At the office, people call me Atty. Neri. Yeck. hehe. So, when people call me by my nickname, it's such a welcome relief. And a reminder of who I am.

I've always felt a disconnect with my given name. Maybe my siblings knew it, so they gave me a totally different nickname while growing up. ('Course, when the famous website with my name sprung up more than twenty years ago, I also thought about changing my nickname)

My given name lends itself to being shouted out when one is really angry. I remember when I was younger and not doing my assignments. My parents would get a notice from the school, which would lead to me being crisply called by my full name to get my butt into my parents' room. Hehe.

But, over the years, my nickname has had various, uh, nicknames too. Here's a rundown:

Doods/Duds/Dudi - various friends

Duj - c/o E and E

Dod - me, when lazy

Dookie/Dookers - my kuya, when he's making lambing

Dookie baby honey - my second ate when she's making lambing, my kuya when he wants to irritate me

Duquessa - my mom

Dukneners/Dukineners - my eldest ate

Poor-it/4-8 - my dad and my younger brother, when teasing me -- I'm 5'1" but they tease me as being only 4'8", so applying mikey bustos' tutorial on the filipino language, it's pronounced por-eight, hence, poor-it. Gets?

Dodo - everyone in the family when teasing me

Doc/Docdoc - my dad, to which I invariably reply, "Dad, I didn't take medicine. I still can if you'll also pay for my tuition."

Wala lang.

"Wow! You really know a lot of things!"

"Yes, I do. 'Coz google is my uncle."

I think I'm not as smart as I thought I was.

You know.

I'm like actually WAY smarter.

Wants not

Over breakfast:

Mom to me: You want anything from duty-free?

Me, shrugs: None. You know, it's strange but I don't want want anything right now.

Older brother to me: You mean you're not a bottomless pit of wants and desires?

Me: Nope. I don't think I have the keeping-up-with-the-joneses gene.

Younger brother: Yup. You have the kuripot* gene.

Toink.

___________________________
*Stingy or tight-fisted

June 1

I should probably do a mid-year assessment of my life as against my start-of-year-goals.

Or not na lang.