dreaming in picasso

sometimes you run to see who would come after you

sometimes you wake up and you're already running
look ahead, far ahead, do you see a goal?

no?
look behind you, is someone there?
is he running after you or chasing you away?

if no one is behind you, why are you running?
can you see where you are?
do you know who you are?

will you know when to stop?
can you stop?

sometimes when I'm running I stop right in the middle and look around
and marvel at how far I've come but with no idea of where I am
or where I'm going
sometimes I forget why I'm running
there's a faint tingle in my memory
a slight brush of fate, sometimes a face, mostly your eyes

I see myself but not myself
yes, myself but so different, enough to not be me but still me
who knew a person could change so much?
who knew that you would change me this much?

but then the strangeness of it all chills me
I look at the empty eyes of the me who isn't me
and she is looking at me, in me, because she is me
and she is alone and it is my fault
because you are gone and it is my doing
and she blames me as I deserve

and  I remember why I am running
not away but to you
but you are no longer there
I speed up, pumping my legs, my lungs aching
I catch sight of you, a distant speck in the never-ending horizon
I am renewed with hope, and though I think it impossible
I gain more speed, closing the distance
Until my eyes adjust, and see you clearer
you are not alone

The wind leaves my lungs
I fall to my knees.

I am alone.

Silent Point of Shame

Filipinos!

When the Arroyos are at the airport (and everywhere else you may see them), let's use the silent point of shame! (Referencing Rafe Bartholomew's Pacific Rims, harharhar, I just finished reading the book.)

Let their passage not go unnoticed, mark it, advertise it. Let our frustration, anger(?), and feelings of futility all out in this silent gesture. We did EDSA for her (ok, granted, we sort of did EDSA for us too), and what did we get in return?

So go ahead, whether you are at the airport, at the hospitals, heck, the sidewalk, and you see them, stand up, extend that arm, use your forefinger (not middle finger, ok!) and POINT.

"I don't know why I'm so bothered." isn't entirely accurate.

"I know precisely why I'm bothered, I'm just in denial."

Tailspin!

I found it!

I remember reading or hearing something like this:

"I do not have enough middle fingers to show you how much I want you to fuck off."


Well, I finally found something that says it better:

Scene 31 (heroine's rant) - In Filipino

"Ang hirap kasi sa 'yo nagpupumilit ka pang mahalin ang ayaw sa 'yo. Hindi mo maintindihan na minsan ang pag-ibig kahit ibigay mo na ang lahat, wala kang makukuha. Hindi ka pa din n'ya mamahalin. Iiwan ka din n'ya. Yuyurakan. Suwerte mo na kung iiwan nyang buo ang pagkatao mo. Tapos ngayon iniisip mo na matutulungan kita? Na tutulungan kita? Huli ka na. Wala na 'kong mabibigay sa 'yo. Dahil bago mo pa sya minahal, nandito na ako. Minamahal ka. Binibigay ang lahat sa iyo. Pero tanggap ka lang ng tanggap habang binubuhos mo ang sarili mo sa kanya. Binalewala mo ang lahat ng paghihirap ko. Hindi mo nakita ang inaalay ko sa 'yo. Tapos ngayon babalik ka at umaasang balik tayo sa dati? Hindi na. Dahil pinaghirapan kong buuin muli ang buhay ko pagkatapos mo akong iwan. Kahit kulang. Kahit pirapiraso. Wala na akong mabibigay dahil ang buhay ko at puso ko, nasa iyo na. Nasa iyo pa rin."

Because it's the weekend and I have a million things to do

This morning's conversation made me realize how much I'm willing to do for you. Well, ok, I already knew it before, but this morning just really drove it home. I'm a slave for you, without Britney's sass.

This makes me kind of sad because you don't seem to appreciate it. Ok, correction, because you don't appreciate it the way I want you to. You know, appreciate it and me like that. Like me like that. Love me like that.

Because I think I already love you like that.

3 haikus

I think I should choose
you and I or him and me
I'm fooling myself

what's the point, I ask
it's just illusion at best
only in my mind

keeps me up at night
the itch I will never scratch
shit! I have to choose.

petty things

sometimes the worst thing is waiting

sometimes the worst thing is knowing what you want but knowing you can't get it

sometimes the worst thing is being unsure

but i have never been through anything where the worst thing was failing

because more often than not, the run-up to the failure was worth it

Where did I read or hear this?!

"I do not have enough middle fingers to show you how much I want you to fuck off."

Hmmm...I'm not even sure if it is accurate.

It's funny how some people tell you news/gossip because they think it would make you change your mind/do something they want you to do.

They'd be all excited going like "OMG, I have the best news for you." or the favorite, "you'll never guess...."

and I'm like, "Why are you telling me?"