I think i should start over. Maybe change my perspective a bit. Reevaluate my priorities. I'm so mixed up, I can't even write.
I don't want to rant anymore. I don't want to complain. I will be happy even if deep down inside I'm worrying about things I cannot control.
I've already begun changes in my life which will affect not only me, but a lot of people in my life right now. What's creepy is that I found this article online which pretty much describes where I am right now.
"Saturn Return almost always requires some major adjustments in lifestyle, attitudes, and relationships. Anything you have outgrown, or have tolerated but not found satisfying, must end now or be altered to meet your emerging needs. According to Hand, "Consciously or unconsciously, you are pruning your life of everything that is not relevant to what you really are as a human being." http://www.newage-directory.com/saturn.html
This is exactly me...I just didn't realize that this was what I was doing -- and just a few months before I hit the big 3-0. Creepy astrology. I don't know why I even bothered to read it. I'm freaked out and excited. I can't wait for my changes to actually become my life. I'm still pretty hazy about how I want everything to be. But I hope everything works out and that I'm making the right decisions.
So, to new beginnings!
Monday, August 30, 2010
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Vicious cycle?
This is a hodgepodge of various blog entries...
a week after meeting you, I accosted (there's no other word for it) you at watson's...on the pretext of buying a roll of candy. It was really crazy considering that I didn't even have any money on me at that time. I said "hi", you said "hi" back. Can't recall the conversation verbatim, but those few minutes when I stood in line behind you were whew! the highlight of my month. -- February 2009
Finally, you were back at work..and you had good news to share. You looked really pleased with yourself..I was really proud and scared. I told S, "paano na yan...he's gorgeous AND smart". I'm sure I'm not the only woman throwing myself at you. hahaha. -- March 2009
Excerpt from my blog entry -- May 2009
We never got to know each other. We've never even had a meaningful conversation. There are some things I want to know about you...some stalker-stalkee things, hahaha.
1)How did you get your nickname? - I'll tell you my story someday
.2) What's your favorite food? - I'd learn to cook it for you.
3) What's your favorite color? - mine is red.
4) Do you have pets? What are they and what are their names? I have a goldfish named hamster. (Patay na si hamster! And also his successor, Skippy. My aquarium is currently empty. Ang sad!)
5) How many siblings do you have? Are you the baby of the family? I have 4 siblings, and I'm the 4th child -- pero baby girl, hehe.
6) Are both your parents still alive? yes, thank God!
7) What's your greatest dream? I'll tell you mine someday.
8) Would you like to have children? With me? - I'm waiting breathlessly for your answer.
Hahaha, of course there are also the really important stuff, like:
Would you enjoy sitting in the shade in the summer and watch clouds? Would you be able to see the scary dragon or the fluffy bunnies or the ice cream sundaes and ponies and unicorns?
Would you love hot chocolate on a rainy day, while we sit together and talk about nothing and everything? How about reading together?
Would you appreciate the nuances of a debate involving such issues as: Who would win in a fight? Goku vs Thanos? Voltez V vs Daimos? Naruto vs Gon? etc... How about, who would be the best agent for the job: ethan hunt vs james bond vs bruce wayne? I know you're a batman fan, but do you also like bruce wayne when he's just bruce wayne? (batman = batang manyak hahahaha)
February 21, 2010 (Ohmigod! antagal ng recovery period -- see related entry in August 2009, activities to get over THE guy)
Our first year anniversary (of the day we met) has come and gone. I don't know where you are or what you're doing...well, I have a vague idea of what you're doing because I haven't completely severed our connections... but I can safely say that I have gotten over my addiction to you. I rarely think of you...and those times that I do, I smile and think "can't believe I really did that!" I have no regrets and I'm happy. I gave you every opportunity which you never took, I may be a little slow but I'm not completely stupid. At least I know that I did my best, it just wasn't meant to be.
I've changed jobs and moved a couple of buildings down. I still go to our "usual" places, this time without the twinge of memories. I like my independence. I like my new job. I like my new friends. I look at your pictures and I think, he sure is a hot(!) guy, just not for me.
---------------------
Fast forward to July 2010
I met this guy...
a week after meeting you, I accosted (there's no other word for it) you at watson's...on the pretext of buying a roll of candy. It was really crazy considering that I didn't even have any money on me at that time. I said "hi", you said "hi" back. Can't recall the conversation verbatim, but those few minutes when I stood in line behind you were whew! the highlight of my month. -- February 2009
Finally, you were back at work..and you had good news to share. You looked really pleased with yourself..I was really proud and scared. I told S, "paano na yan...he's gorgeous AND smart". I'm sure I'm not the only woman throwing myself at you. hahaha. -- March 2009
Excerpt from my blog entry -- May 2009
We never got to know each other. We've never even had a meaningful conversation. There are some things I want to know about you...some stalker-stalkee things, hahaha.
1)How did you get your nickname? - I'll tell you my story someday
.2) What's your favorite food? - I'd learn to cook it for you.
3) What's your favorite color? - mine is red.
4) Do you have pets? What are they and what are their names? I have a goldfish named hamster. (Patay na si hamster! And also his successor, Skippy. My aquarium is currently empty. Ang sad!)
5) How many siblings do you have? Are you the baby of the family? I have 4 siblings, and I'm the 4th child -- pero baby girl, hehe.
6) Are both your parents still alive? yes, thank God!
7) What's your greatest dream? I'll tell you mine someday.
8) Would you like to have children? With me? - I'm waiting breathlessly for your answer.
Hahaha, of course there are also the really important stuff, like:
Would you enjoy sitting in the shade in the summer and watch clouds? Would you be able to see the scary dragon or the fluffy bunnies or the ice cream sundaes and ponies and unicorns?
Would you love hot chocolate on a rainy day, while we sit together and talk about nothing and everything? How about reading together?
Would you appreciate the nuances of a debate involving such issues as: Who would win in a fight? Goku vs Thanos? Voltez V vs Daimos? Naruto vs Gon? etc... How about, who would be the best agent for the job: ethan hunt vs james bond vs bruce wayne? I know you're a batman fan, but do you also like bruce wayne when he's just bruce wayne? (batman = batang manyak hahahaha)
February 21, 2010 (Ohmigod! antagal ng recovery period -- see related entry in August 2009, activities to get over THE guy)
Our first year anniversary (of the day we met) has come and gone. I don't know where you are or what you're doing...well, I have a vague idea of what you're doing because I haven't completely severed our connections... but I can safely say that I have gotten over my addiction to you. I rarely think of you...and those times that I do, I smile and think "can't believe I really did that!" I have no regrets and I'm happy. I gave you every opportunity which you never took, I may be a little slow but I'm not completely stupid. At least I know that I did my best, it just wasn't meant to be.
I've changed jobs and moved a couple of buildings down. I still go to our "usual" places, this time without the twinge of memories. I like my independence. I like my new job. I like my new friends. I look at your pictures and I think, he sure is a hot(!) guy, just not for me.
---------------------
Fast forward to July 2010
I met this guy...
Conflicted 2
Just making space for new and more shit.
I keep telling S that I'm not sure if I want to continue with this. I simply can't imagine myself making a play for you and ultimately causing so much pain to another woman. Assuming ako na I can steal you from your girlfriend. Hahaha!
But objectively and after much reflection, I'm just really scared to take the risk again. I took the risk before with a single guy and nothing happened. Well, I only got hurt in the end. (Happy during, hurt after) What more this time with you?
Shet.
I keep telling S that I'm not sure if I want to continue with this. I simply can't imagine myself making a play for you and ultimately causing so much pain to another woman. Assuming ako na I can steal you from your girlfriend. Hahaha!
But objectively and after much reflection, I'm just really scared to take the risk again. I took the risk before with a single guy and nothing happened. Well, I only got hurt in the end. (Happy during, hurt after) What more this time with you?
Shet.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Conflicted
I really only noticed you that time at the seminar when you got called...we were sitting on the same row, after you answered the question, our eyes met, and I felt your ANGAS! Believe me, I was challenged! Spent some time arguing with myself if I'm ready to go down that road again. Whatever, I've always been weak.
So, one saturday, S was late, you were there, I asked you to sit beside me. Hahaha! Sorry, S. But we sure had a laugh about it later, di ba? We ended up spending the entire morning together (me, you, S, and later, R), eating lunch together and generally having great conversation. (Starry eyed ako non eh). I found out that day that you have a girlfriend...to whom you are considering proposing marriage to by the end of the year. I thought, well, ok lang yan, this is just for fun.
We spent some more time together over the next few weeks. You're sometimes flirty, sometimes boring. But I still like you anyway. We've become comfortable enough that we can sit and stand so close together, I get sooooo kilig! Hahahaha. But admittedly, while we're comfortable in each other's space, we have not yet broken the touch barrier.
And now, I have to admit that I am in so much trouble!!!! May tama na ako, big-time. And while my previous experience has shown that I have no qualms about being the other woman (hehehe), I find that I am strangely reluctant to take any further steps in this relationship. I don't know HER personally, but I guess I must really be getting old, or growing a conscience. I can't get my mind to accept the fact that if I choose to pursue this, I might be causing so much pain to another woman. Another woman, who, from my "research", has already experienced so much pain from you. I can't add to that. I'm at that stage in my life where I've lost the arrogance of youth and I'm recognizing that karma does happen. Hell, this may already my karma for my less than sterling 20s. (Feeling 30 na ko talaga, hahaha!)
Take note, I'm not even considering if you like me back... I'm definitely sure that you don't dislike me. This is between me, my heart, my mind, and HER. I'm crazy.
The frou-frou dog really threw me.
So, one saturday, S was late, you were there, I asked you to sit beside me. Hahaha! Sorry, S. But we sure had a laugh about it later, di ba? We ended up spending the entire morning together (me, you, S, and later, R), eating lunch together and generally having great conversation. (Starry eyed ako non eh). I found out that day that you have a girlfriend...to whom you are considering proposing marriage to by the end of the year. I thought, well, ok lang yan, this is just for fun.
We spent some more time together over the next few weeks. You're sometimes flirty, sometimes boring. But I still like you anyway. We've become comfortable enough that we can sit and stand so close together, I get sooooo kilig! Hahahaha. But admittedly, while we're comfortable in each other's space, we have not yet broken the touch barrier.
And now, I have to admit that I am in so much trouble!!!! May tama na ako, big-time. And while my previous experience has shown that I have no qualms about being the other woman (hehehe), I find that I am strangely reluctant to take any further steps in this relationship. I don't know HER personally, but I guess I must really be getting old, or growing a conscience. I can't get my mind to accept the fact that if I choose to pursue this, I might be causing so much pain to another woman. Another woman, who, from my "research", has already experienced so much pain from you. I can't add to that. I'm at that stage in my life where I've lost the arrogance of youth and I'm recognizing that karma does happen. Hell, this may already my karma for my less than sterling 20s. (Feeling 30 na ko talaga, hahaha!)
Take note, I'm not even considering if you like me back... I'm definitely sure that you don't dislike me. This is between me, my heart, my mind, and HER. I'm crazy.
The frou-frou dog really threw me.
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