This was a very lazy weekend even for me.  Skipped a lunch meeting with my high school friends, no familial obligations, no relatives dropping by the house, no emergency grocery runs.  I ended up vegetating in front of the tv, catching up on my reading and sleeping the weekend away. JOY!

The only downside is now I'm wide awake.

A while ago, my dad was asking na naman what I plan to do with my life...I seem to remember L and I having this conversation via ym in the not so distant past...Hmmm...well, my dad doesn't really get on my case as L's dad and brother do, but still, it's kind of, I don't know what's the word.

The thing is, my dad does have a point, I do have a job with relatively good pay, but I'm still living in his house, eating his food, and I'm not averse to having my parents pay for my stuff. Hehe. Sure I contribute to household expenses but it such a little thing really.  L's family is wealthy and if our dads our worried about about our ability to support ourselves and maintain the standard of living we're used to, then I guess there must be something there.  We're probably not as wealthy as L's family is, but then again my tastes aren't as expensive so I guess quits lang.  At least we're comfortable, and we can buy what we want. On another note about the family bonding thing, my mom has been making clucking noises at my currently dateless state. But at least she's not yet trotting out her kumare's sons, nephews and neighbors.  Hahaha!

Yes, valentine's is just around the corner and no I'm not seeing anyone.  Do I really need to have a date on valentine's? I mean seriously...Ok, it's too early to be ranting about this one.

Never leave home without looking presentable! Hahaha! I usually subscribe to this, but I made an exemption this morning.  I woke up at 10am after a late night.  I was assigned to do a quick grocery run for eggs, bread and of course, ice cream.  So I went to Rob Supermarket near Blue Wave Marquinton.  I was dressed in denim pedal pushers  (hugged my butt, hihihi), a peach and white Gap shirt that had a small tear on the neckline, and silver (silver!) ballet flats.  Got the eggs and the bread, I was by the freezers choosing ice cream when who do I see?!! Si Jonathan P.!!! I super had a crush on him when I was in high school...Typical freshman girl having a crush on the senior guy. Hahaha.  So there I was in my whatever-get-up, hair in a messy bun (and I'm sorry to say, last night's eyeliner), and J looks at me and smiles. Aaargh! Cute pa rin sya until now, kahit medyo may daddy effect na sya (with the slightly receding hairline).  But still! Yun lang. No words were exchanged since we don't exactly know each other.

Haay nako! LOL!

On another note, I'm sure this is the gazillionth 2nd chance that I've given to you, I'm not sure if I should even wait for an explanation. You'd better have one. But as of now, it's really friendship on hold sweetie. Kthanksbye.

There's nothing like a bracing conversation with a good friend to put things into their proper perspective.

So, I've been ranting to E about my recent heartache...and we got to talking about past relationships and the stuff that made us so happy when we were young and what we'd change and stuff like that.  Should have been a serious conversation but it degenerated into us trying to outdo each other with hilarious and outrageous stuff we'd like to do or would have liked to do if given the chance.

Anyway, I digress.  I was complaining about not getting the guy...and E said, "Seriously, if you put a little more effort into it and not treated it like a game, maybe we wouldn't be having this conversation now."

I'm like "You're right. I treat it like a game. I'm way too willing to give up on guys I like, or I match them up with some of my friends, who are so not deserving! (Sorry, I was ranting...and entitled to be a bitch.) But, it's so ingrained in me now.  I honestly don't know if I even know how to handle a relationship!  You know what? Now that I think about it. I'm not sure I even know how to start a relationship, much less be in one!"

E laughed like the wise woman (witch!) she is and said, "Honestly, you're so afraid of commitment, I don't get it.  You're so ready for a long-term relationship!"

"It's not that I'm not afraid exactly.  It's just that I'm extra-cautious.  Ok, that's exactly what you meant!"

E: "You are so afraid! You keep everyone at a distance.  The boys don't notice because you treat them all like friends.  They don't realize the friendliness is part of your defenses to keep everything from moving to a more personal level."

"I'm sure there are some men out there who would be smart enough to see through that and be brave enough to fight through the friendly vibes.  Besides, isn't it better to be friends first?"

"Ok, being friends first is...an ideal.  Here's my question: Would you recognize or realize it if a guy was trying to be more than friends?"

I had no answer.

E continued "I just think that you should be more open.  You're so deep into your own world (I sound so autistic/self-absorbed with this description!) maybe you don't realize it. Maybe you're not seeing the good guys around you. Admittedly, toot-toot totally should be shot the jerk!  And you've totally moved on, unfortunately, maybe you just moved on a little uhm too far away?"

"Great! Clearly, I have no idea...OMG, I am so screwed!"

E's parting remark: "That will be 2000 pesos for the therapy.  Advice is free."

Love you E!

Goodbye to you

Coz you are such a dolt!






Goodbye to You
By: Michelle Branch

Of all the things I've believed in
I just want to get it over with
Tears from behind my eyes but I do not cry
Counting the days pass me by

I've been searchin' deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearin' are starting to get old
It feels like I'm startin' all over again
The last three years were just pretend
And I said

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything that I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold onto

I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems that I can't live a day without you
Closin' my eyes and you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light
But it's not right, ahh

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything that I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

And it hurts to want everything
And nothin' at the same time
I want what's yours and I want what's mine
I want you but I'm not givin' in this time

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything that I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold onto

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold onto
The one thing that I tried to hold onto

One thing that I tried to hold onto
And when the stars fall I will lie awake
You're my shooting star

Cry with a Smile

Coz you are such a dolt for leaving me.  This song is not entirely appropriate but it does give the impression of the breadth and depth of my broken heart. :(

Cry with a Smile
By: After Forever, 2007
Listen to it here


Cry with a smile
My heart is bleeding
Bewildered I'm here alone
Why is there pain in a beautiful moment?
Why do I feel so lost, so empty?

Cry with a smile
My heart is healing
From pain I knew that would come
Why stay locked in a deeply sad moment?
Why do I feel so cold, so peaceful?

Take my heart and set it free
Take my heart and give me time to heal
I know, in my memories you live
Take my heart a little while
Take it with you to the place you go
I know, we will meet again someday

Cry with a smile
My heart was dreaming
Of time I knew would come to an end
Why do I cry about a beautiful memory?
Why do I feel so hurt, so lonely?

Take my heart and set it free
Take my heart and give a time to heal
I know, in my memories you live
Take my heart a little while
Take it with you to the place you go
I know, we will meet again someday

To: Person-I-thought-was-the-one-for-me

I wasn't sure how I was going to start this so I'll just say whatever comes to mind:


Here I am at 2:53 in the morning.  I can't sleep.  I've about cried my eyes out and nothing's changed. I still don't have you. Not now, not ever.

I guess that's the funny part about being the person you leaned on, you never saw me. I was just there whenever you needed me.  And now, I'm crying over you and you won't even know.

You know, I always thought I at least had a semblance of a chance with you.  I made you laugh. I put up with your jokes. I listened to your hopes and dreams. I cheered for you. I cared when you were down. And you allowed me to do all those things. You were all those things for me too.

But you never looked at me the way you look at her.  Last night proved it, you couldn't take your eyes from her. I'd help you but it hurts too much. Crap, I'm such a doormat, I AM helping you even though it's tearing me apart. But I did all these because I thought you'd see the difference and realize that I'm so much better for you than she ever will be.

So I'm going to retreat now.  You won't even notice that I'm gone.  Because I'm realizing that maybe you weren't leaning on me all this time, maybe it was me who needed you.  Maybe I was the one needing the support and you were just too much of a gentleman to step away.

And because it hurts too much, I'm going to put my memories of us in a special box.  Just for me.  And maybe someday, I'll be able to look at them and examine them objectively and maybe smile a secret smile for the happy times we shared. Maybe sometime, we'll bump into each other and I'll be able to actually feel pleasantly surprised to see you.  Maybe I'll even be able to sincerely ask how you are. But not now.

Right now, just the thought that you're with her is making me tear up.  And if I saw you with her, no, I won't make a scene, but I probably won't be civil either.  If this were a trashy novel, I'd give you the cut-direct to let you know what I thought of you.  But it's not, and real life is always so messy and letting you know what I think is out of the question.  Letting you know what I feel, well, I've never hidden how I felt. You just chose not to see and hear me.  Which just proves how stupid I've been about you.  Why did I keep opening myself up to you when I knew that you didn't feel the same way?  I want to hate you but I can't.


I guess this will be the last time for both us.  I won't be calling you anymore.  And I do thank you for all the times you were my friend. I really do. It's just that now, being your friend won't be enough. I love you but you don't love me back. Not the way I want you to. And THAT hurts more than you can ever know.

No, I'm wrong. You not loving me hurts.  Me finding out that you want her over me hurts MORE. Yes, I'm ashamed to admit that a little pride is involved here, but there it is.

Maybe someday, I'll be able to wish you happiness with her. Not right now.


I'm thinking I can't go on crying myself to sleep.  This time, as my tears flow, they flow with a purpose. I'm cleansing myself of all the hurt I've put on myself.  And though it feels like the world is ending, I know that when the sun breaks through the mountains, a couple of hours from now, I'm gonna be the new me. I'm gonna be strong. I won't cry anymore.


I can go on with the rest of my life, even without you. Starting now, not because I choose to, but because I don't have a choice.

I read somewhere that if you smile and act happy, it becomes natural.  I can do that. Just not right now.

love,
doodie

as to how I now have a boyfriend

"C'mon! You've got to help me pick out something for L." I said to C, as we walked through gb5. C was yakking on about how girl number 4 in his quest for the ideal girlfriend turned out to be some kind of needy psychotic graphic artist in a trendy magazine. C had his hand on my back to keep us from being separated in the christmas crowd.

"You know, she actually had the gall to call me at 4am to tell me that she was just getting home from another one of their high-pressure last minute thing I don't understand.", C said.  I nodded noncommittally as C continued to expand on how girl number 4 was so not normal.  I grabbed his arm to steer him to Aldo.

"I can't remember what L was ogling here but it's one of those big chunky rings with black thingies...", I said as we went into Aldo. 

"Ogling?", C asked with a leer.

"Get your mind out of the gutter." I looked up at him with a smile and leered right back at him.  He smiled his toothpaste smile and looked angelically around the store.

"How are we gonna share this?", I asked. I held up a set of earrings and ring with black stuff and bangles that could conceivably go with the earrings.

"Pay for it, D.  L's going to be basking in my presence tonight.  That's gift enough from me.", C patted my head condescendingly.

"That IS so gay! C, cough up! I'm an underpaid government employee. You're the one who charges clients by the hour."

I went to the cashier with C trailing behind me.  This time ranting about how hungry he was and how he was so tired from picking me up from the office and driving all the way back to Makati.

"Tagal pa ba?" C asked when he noticed I was looking at the other displays while the cashier attended to another customer.

I gave C a frown and held out my hand, palm up for his money.  C gave a big sigh and made a show of digging into his pockets.  He gave me his plastic with a long suffering look.  I really love the guy.

"Thanks C.  You know, with your credit limit, you should just make me your extension cardholder." I made a "kawawa-look" at him.

"No way, D! And I know your credit limit so you can't fool me."

"That's different!"

"Besides, antakaw mo eh. You'll eat me into debt."

"That's such a rude thing to say!"

"Eh true naman.  But don't worry, you're still hot!" C said with another leer. C nudged my back to push me towards the cashier who was available.  I elbowed his abs just to get even.  I stared at him while he signed the charge slip. Hot good-looking straight guy right here! I noticed the cashier staring at him too and gave her a small smile.  And then went back to staring at C.

"What?!" C said when he caught me staring at him.

"You're so cute! Crush kita." I said as I got the bags.

C put his arm around me, gave me a little squeeze and said "That's true. You're so lucky no?".  I rolled my eyes at him. C started to rant about girl number 4 again. I went back to half-listening and looked around at the people milling around gb5.

I guess C realized that we were only wandering aimlessly and decided we needed to go and pick up L. He looked at his watch and asked, "Tayo na ba?"

I shrugged off his arm and slipped my hand into his.  "Uhm, okay. But don't be too possessive ha?", I said while looking into his eyes.

I could barely keep my face straight.  He looked down at me with such a look of surprise (it's almost insulting in hindsight).  I bet that if he'd thought of it, he would have shaken my hand off.  I couldn't hold it in anymore and laughed in his face.

"Grabe, C! If you only saw your face." I let go of his hand and walked off leaving him standing there still with a surprised look on his face.  I looked back at  him and said "Tara na!"

A slow smile started to spread on C's face and he started walking toward me.  He put his arm around me and brushed the side of my neck with his fingers. Shiver.

"Sige, tayo na. And I promise I won't be too possessive. But I'll sometimes be jealous, ok?"

I elbowed him, "Let's go get L. I'm hungry na!"

"O see! I'll feed you pa.  All you have to be is sweet to me. I know that we get along well.  I love you since forever and I can and will love you until forever.  So, tayo na?"

"Ashushu. Alam mo lang na crush kita eh."

C pulled me closer, "Say yes na kasi."

"Seriously, C?"  I pulled back a little to look into his eyes.

He nodded solemnly.

"Sige, but I reserve the right to call it quits and still be friends. Ok?"

C gave a big smile looked into my eyes and said "You'll see D, we'll make it work.  It'll be easy between us." And right there in the middle of gb5, C gave me the sweetest kiss.  He took my hand and laced his fingers through mine and said softly, "Tayo na."

Sigh* (This is fiction, by the way.)

Cute guy at the office!!!

There's this really cute guy at the office.  Cool rocker vibe :)

I'm just sorry the photos are so blurred.  Apparently, my poor phone does NOT have autofocus!