Pick me upper

Have you ever had those times when you're so down and all you want to do is lie in bed and eat ice cream?  Well, I've been somewhat down lately...unfortunately, I can't pig-out on ice cream anymore because I have to watch my sugar...so I thought I'd better find something else to distract me.

Remember all those palanca (?) letters you used to get from your friends before you go into a retreat?  I can't find the ones I received although I'm pretty sure I kept them...Well, I still have three cabinets and drawers to clean out, maybe they're out there somewhere....

Instead of those letters, I found the next best thing... comments from my now-defunct friendster account!  I only saved this one and one comment I'm keeping to myself...hehee. This one from K had me smiling!


K said:

"Doodie is a walking ice machine. Not that she's cold-hearted but Doodie-yo is just so cool at all times.  Be it for a recit or a finals, you can never see a trace of tension or panic in her face.  She just takes everything in a stride.  Our gimikera, Doodie never fails to amaze me because even after all those gimiks she still does well in class.  She's one person who you would want to ask if you want to know the truth.  And she's one friend who can comfort you even with a few words.  Thanks for keeping it real for us."

Thanks K! You're always a bright spot in my day. Mwah!

Blast from the Past

Ok so I've been clearing out my stuff over the long weekend and guess what I found...My journal!!! I tried reading it, but I bored even myself...Here's a sample.   (Sorry, non-Filipino readers, it doesn't really translate...)

"Nagtataka lang ako kung bakit hindi mo na ko pinapansin ngayon.  Dati-rati ay lagi mo kong tinatawag pag nakikita mo ako, mega-kaway and smile ka pa.  Iniisip ko pa nga kung ano ang nakita mo sa kin non eh.  Wala naman akong ginagawa sa yo kundi istorbohin ka pag nag-aaral, asarin tuwing kasama ang barkada.  Tinutukso pa nga kita sa kaibigan kong di mo type.  Sabi mo non okay lang, alam mo namang lambing lang yon.  Dati-rati close na close tayo.  Sinasabi ko sayo lahat ng problema ko at sinasabi mo sakin lahat ng crush mo.  Hindi ako nagseselos non.  Ewan ko kung kelan nagbago ang lahat.  Hindi ko alam kung ako yung unang lumayo o ikaw ba ang unang umiwas.  Nakahanap ka na ng iba at iniwan mo kong nag-iisa.  Hindi ko namalayan kung kelan nagbago ang feelings ko para sayo.  Hindi ko alam kung kelan kita naging crush.  Pero may nagsabi sa akin minsan na obvious na obvious daw ako dahil tuwing maririnig ko ang boses mo bigla na lang akong matutulala.  Siguro isa na yung dahilan kung bakit wala na akong masabi tuwing kakausapin mo ako ngayon.  Sa bagay wala naman ring kwenta ang mga pag-uusapan natin.  Hindi ko na alam ang mga crushes mo at wala ka na ring pakialam sa mga problema ko.  Close na close na kayo ngayon kahit dati promise mo sa akin hinding-hindi mo sya type at never may mangyayari sa inyo.  Ngayon, namamatay ako sa inggit tuwing nakikita ko kayong super sweet.  Sobra-sobrang hinayang ang nararamdaman ko tuwing naalala ko kung gano tayo ka-sweet sa isa't-isa nung tayo pa ang close.  Natuto na ako.  Next time, wala nang tuksuhan.  Sana masayang-masaya ka sa piling nya.  Wag mo na akong alalahanin.  Magrerecover din ako.  Ikaw na din ang nagsabi na darating din ang taong para sakin.  Yun nga lang, hindi mo sakin sinabi kung pano ko ipapaalam sa kanya na siya ang love of my life.  Kasi matagal na siya sa piling ko, di ko lang na-realize na ikaw pala yon.  Alam mo ba yung nararamdaman ko at na-inip ka lang sa paghihintay?  Sorry ha, medyo slow lang talaga ako.  Kaya ayan, tignan mo ang inabot ko.  I love you nga pero di mo naman naririnig.  Sana mabasa mo man lang ito."

That's an entry circa 2000.  Looks like I've always loved to complain about love :)

Shrimp in tamarind broth

Escaped from the office early today, so I got home at around 5:30pm.  Nobody wanted to cook dinner so I tried my hand at a "short-cut" sinigang na hipon (shrimp in tamarind broth).  Short-cut because I used a ready-made tamarind mix instead of preparing the broth from fresh tamarind. 

Boiling the onions and tomatoes and tamarind mix

Boiling the shrimp

Boiling the greens

Cooking while eating a cone of chocolate ice cream is soooo enjoyable....

Me, cam-whoring in-between boilings

Xanadu

Sept. 4, Saturday, 2pm, Carlos P. Romulo Auditorium, RCBC Plaza

Scored free tickets with fanta-bulous seats!  Orchestra centre...Totally enjoyed the show.  Rachel Alejandro and Felix Rivera's pairing always works for me.  I'm not going to review it.  Just wanted to tell the story of how I got the tickets...

It started last Friday...

I had a really late start (later than my usual), so I got to Makati City at around 11:30am.  Figured since the day was almost half-done, I'd pass by my former office to have lunch with N.  I received a totally unexpected text from Jon, once again, asking something about work stuff...I was being crazy and somewhat feeling que sera sera so I asked him to join us for lunch.(I didn't care that I was totally unprepared dressed in a so-not-into-guys-today uninspired white top and black slacks and flats) He was game for lunch...

Lunch wasn't exciting...As usual, work work work...In fact, it totally highlighted his lack of sense of humor in my presence...Mark made a snide remark about Meralco's tagline, which had me and N breaking into laughter.  I think we really lost control, because Jon was saying something, but N and I were really giggling and snorting (so NOT sexy!), Mark lost his poker face too and started laughing...Jon didn't join in and just waited for us to quiet down and then he went on with what he was saying like nothing happened.  What was up with that?! It's either he's really into work or he's all about work and not in a good way.

Since N had to go to the South for a meeting, we parted ways at around 12:45pm.  Jon and I decided to have coffee since it was too early to go back to the office.  And guess what? Yup, more work! Hahaha.  Maybe it was me.. I didn't know how to take control of the conversation.  Or maybe I overdid the eye contact thing. Hahaha!

I went to the office.  Made my time report.  Finished some admin stuff.  Got ready for R's surprise despedida dinner at Fely J's.  It turned out to be a single girls' night out. But since R had a German language exam the next day, we ended at about 11pm.  S gave me the tickets (according to her, "for the Sunday 2pm show), so that K and I could watch together.  K and I even texted each other "Good night! See you on Sunday!"

Saturday morning, I accompanied my Mom to the hospital for some tests.  She asked me what date it was...I said September 4...Uhm, wait a minute!  I remember seeing Sept. 4 on the tickets! Hahaha! Called my sister to check the tickets...Ooops, the show was for Saturday afternoon.  Texted K, it was just a little past 7am.  Went home at around 10am to get ready, K was running late plus K left her wallet in Anna's car so we had to meet Anna at Katips.  Finally, got to RCBC at around 1:30pm.

Anyway, I'm just really happy we got free tickets...

Conspiracy daydream goes pfft

The Philippines has the most extensive intelligence backbone in place.  We've got our domestics in most households in Hongkong, one of the busiest financial hubs in the world.  We have Filipino accountants in most country offices of the Top 5 accounting firms.  (Financial information is always useful, you can always use this to manipulate or something something) We've got seamen in various ships and vessels plying international seas (maybe including military vessels?).    Heck, we even have a chef in the White House. (I don't know what information we can get here, but a chef in the White House is in a really good position for uhm, stuff.)

Armed with cellphones and prepaid mobile credits, we can have information coming in real time.  All we need is the computing power to process and crunch all those data.  And of course, an agency to decide what to do with the information.  Maybe we can earn some money by selling the data to the highest bidder. 

This is going to be an organizational nightmare.  We'd need handlers and information hubs, shelters when it gets too hot.  Bureaucrats will probably kill each other for the "responsibility" to head whatever agency is set in place.  They'll argue over the budget.  Hmm, we can't even organize a decent assault on a bus held by a lone hostage taker (Sorry, I just had to put this in!  For some background, click here ) Where's Jack Bauer when you need him? Geez, I would have settled for Officer Jack Traven.  Hey, what's with the name Jack?

Starting over

I think i should start over.  Maybe change my perspective a bit.  Reevaluate my priorities.  I'm so mixed up, I can't even write.

I don't want to rant anymore.  I don't want to complain.  I will be happy even if deep down inside I'm worrying about things I cannot control.

I've already begun changes in my life which will affect not only me, but a lot of people in my life right now.  What's creepy is that I found this article online which pretty much describes where I am right now.

"Saturn Return almost always requires some major adjustments in lifestyle, attitudes, and relationships. Anything you have outgrown, or have tolerated but not found satisfying, must end now or be altered to meet your emerging needs. According to Hand, "Consciously or unconsciously, you are pruning your life of everything that is not relevant to what you really are as a human being." http://www.newage-directory.com/saturn.html

This is exactly me...I just didn't realize that this was what I was doing  -- and just a few months before I hit the big 3-0.  Creepy astrology.  I don't know why I even bothered to read it. I'm freaked out and excited.  I can't wait for my changes to actually become my life.  I'm still pretty hazy about how I want everything to be.  But I hope everything works out and that I'm making the right decisions.

So, to new beginnings!

Vicious cycle?

This is a hodgepodge of various blog entries...

a week after meeting you, I accosted (there's no other word for it) you at watson's...on the pretext of buying a roll of candy. It was really crazy considering that I didn't even have any money on me at that time. I said "hi", you said "hi" back. Can't recall the conversation verbatim, but those few minutes when I stood in line behind you were whew! the highlight of my month. -- February 2009

Finally, you were back at work..and you had good news to share. You looked really pleased with yourself..I was really proud and scared.   I told S, "paano na yan...he's gorgeous AND smart". I'm sure I'm not the only woman throwing myself at you. hahaha. -- March 2009

Excerpt from my blog entry -- May 2009
We never got to know each other. We've never even had a meaningful conversation. There are some things I want to know about you...some stalker-stalkee things, hahaha.

1)How did you get your nickname? - I'll tell you my story someday
.2) What's your favorite food? - I'd learn to cook it for you.
3) What's your favorite color? - mine is red.
4) Do you have pets? What are they and what are their names?  I have a goldfish named hamster. (Patay na si hamster! And also his successor, Skippy.  My aquarium is currently empty.  Ang sad!)
5) How many siblings do you have? Are you the baby of the family? I have 4 siblings, and I'm the 4th child -- pero baby girl, hehe.
6) Are both your parents still alive? yes, thank God!
7) What's your greatest dream? I'll tell you mine someday.
8) Would you like to have children? With me? - I'm waiting breathlessly for your answer.

Hahaha, of course there are also the really important stuff, like:

Would you enjoy sitting in the shade in the summer and watch clouds? Would you be able to see the scary dragon or the fluffy bunnies or the ice cream sundaes and ponies and unicorns?

Would you love hot chocolate on a rainy day, while we sit together and talk about nothing and everything? How about reading together?

Would you appreciate the nuances of a debate involving such issues as: Who would win in a fight? Goku vs Thanos? Voltez V vs Daimos? Naruto vs Gon? etc... How about, who would be the best agent for the job: ethan hunt vs james bond vs bruce wayne? I know you're a batman fan, but do you also like bruce wayne when he's just bruce wayne? (batman = batang manyak hahahaha)

February 21, 2010 (Ohmigod! antagal ng recovery period -- see related entry in August 2009, activities to get over THE guy)
Our first year anniversary (of the day we met) has come and gone. I don't know where you are or what you're doing...well, I have a vague idea of what you're doing because I haven't completely severed our connections... but I can safely say that I have gotten over my addiction to you. I rarely think of you...and those times that I do, I smile and think "can't believe I really did that!" I have no regrets and I'm happy. I gave you every opportunity which you never took, I may be a little slow but I'm not completely stupid. At least I know that I did my best, it just wasn't meant to be.

I've changed jobs and moved a couple of buildings down. I still go to our "usual" places, this time without the twinge of memories. I like my independence. I like my new job. I like my new friends. I look at your pictures and I think, he sure is a hot(!) guy, just not for me.

---------------------
Fast forward to July 2010

I met this guy...

Conflicted 2

Just making space for new and more shit.

I keep telling S that I'm not sure if I want to continue with this. I simply can't imagine myself making a play for you and ultimately causing so much pain to another woman. Assuming ako na I can steal you from your girlfriend. Hahaha!

But objectively and after much reflection, I'm just really scared to take the risk again. I took the risk before with a single guy and nothing happened. Well, I only got hurt in the end. (Happy during, hurt after) What more this time with you?

Shet.

Conflicted

I really only noticed you that time at the seminar when you got called...we were sitting on the same row, after you answered the question, our eyes met, and I felt your ANGAS! Believe me, I was challenged! Spent some time arguing with myself if I'm ready to go down that road again. Whatever, I've always been weak.

So, one saturday, S was late, you were there, I asked you to sit beside me. Hahaha! Sorry, S. But we sure had a laugh about it later, di ba? We ended up spending the entire morning together (me, you, S, and later, R), eating lunch together and generally having great conversation. (Starry eyed ako non eh). I found out that day that you have a girlfriend...to whom you are considering proposing marriage to by the end of the year. I thought, well, ok lang yan, this is just for fun.

We spent some more time together over the next few weeks. You're sometimes flirty, sometimes boring. But I still like you anyway. We've become comfortable enough that we can sit and stand so close together, I get sooooo kilig! Hahahaha. But admittedly, while we're comfortable in each other's space, we have not yet broken the touch barrier.

And now, I have to admit that I am in so much trouble!!!! May tama na ako, big-time. And while my previous experience has shown that I have no qualms about being the other woman (hehehe), I find that I am strangely reluctant to take any further steps in this relationship. I don't know HER personally, but I guess I must really be getting old, or growing a conscience. I can't get my mind to accept the fact that if I choose to pursue this, I might be causing so much pain to another woman. Another woman, who, from my "research", has already experienced so much pain from you. I can't add to that. I'm at that stage in my life where I've lost the arrogance of youth and I'm recognizing that karma does happen. Hell, this may already my karma for my less than sterling 20s. (Feeling 30 na ko talaga, hahaha!)

Take note, I'm not even considering if you like me back... I'm definitely sure that you don't dislike me. This is between me, my heart, my mind, and HER. I'm crazy.

The frou-frou dog really threw me.

wanderlust

quit my job to travel the world...survive on odd jobs, and maybe a few legal aid gigs hehe.

i'm brown from the sun, but i gained some weight, so i'm not exactly a waif, teehehee.

wish someday I'd quit running away, but not now.

bago na naman

I was taking stock of all the things that have made 2010 such a great year so far. Oh yeah, it is.
Now for my complaints...
guy #1 - has the hots for my friend
guy #2 - has the hots for my friend
guy #3 - has the hots for my friend

hehehe

my friend - has the hots for all the guys i like

conclusion -- as K said, FO!!!

blessings

good job
awesome friends
fantastic family
you, everyday and every hour, just you